First Anniversary:

October 4, 2006 - Wednesday



Current mood: cheerful
Category: Life

Holy Cow! This year has gone by so fasssssT!!! I have been a wife AND a mommy for a year! Talk about a blessing, and talk about growing!

This year has been the most wonderful year of my life, and it has also been the most difficult year of my life. God has blessed my marriage with Josh incredibly~~we haven..t had any fights, just some differences in our parenting styles (I have a lot to learn, obviously), but nothing major. And when I mention the difficulties, it is not a complaint, for the difficult things have grown me and are still stretching me. These ..difficult.. things were mainly the new mommy thing. Motherhood is so tough but it is also very rewarding..so I..m told hehehe.

I have been blessed with the calling that God has given me, and yes, at times my knees can get pretty unstable underneath the weight of it all, but God is faithful, my husband is amazing, and I have many wonderful parenting mentors: My parents, Josh..s parents, and those of you at church.

I am so grateful to be Josh..s wife. I love him so much and every day I am amazed with what care, tenderness and passion that he loves me, even when I make mistakes. I can..t believe that anyone could love me so much! God has touched my heart and demonstrated His love for me through Josh and our sons.

Yay for anniversaries!

My Son, The Salesman.

September 27, 2006 - Wednesday



Category: Life

My oldest son is apparently an entrepreneur. Ya, true story! I had no idea that he was in the business of, apparently, retail.

Awe yes, parenting is truly an adventure, you never know whats just around the corner. I found out today from Shanes 7yr old friend that he had brought some money to school to purchase some of Justins merchandise.

Months ago we had bought one of those backgammon games that was Lord of the Rings themed. Well, the game pieces were gold and silver rings that looked like the one Froto was carrying around. Two problems: ..1. That game is too hard for kids and not worth the time and effort of figuring out how to play for Josh and I. ..2. The gold rings were made to look old and tarnished which, unfortunately, made them look the same color as the sliver pieces. You had to bring the ring up to eye level in order to distinguish between the two colors. So, we told the kids that they could keep a few of the rings to play with.

Weeeeelllll, every morning this week I have seen Justin wearing a couple of the rings around his thumb while eating breakfast. I thought that he was just playing with them. The mornings are busy so I dont have that much time to ponder much or even sit down long enough to eat a piece of toast. So I guess Justin was getting the rings and taking them two at a time to school to either sell for a dollar each to his friends or they were also exchangeable for a piece of chocolate, of course, cuz gold and chocolate are going at the same rate these days.

Anyways, so I talked to Josh about what was going on. I thought that first off, those rings werent his to sell in the first place without asking for permission, and second, I would hope that if Justins friend really wanted something of his that Justin would just have a kind and generous heart and give it to his friend.

BUT

When it was time for our nightly prayers, Justin recognized on his own that the problem with his business plan was that a greedy heart was driving it. His heart distracted him away from showing kindness to his friends and simply sharing what he had instead of trying to get a bargain. What a great kid! I hadnt even thought of it like that. I guess thats just God directing Justins heart, because God is a genius and knows ALL of our hearts intentions.

Duh!! It was greed!! Hello---Im just as guilty. I do the same thing probably all the time. So I guess that God is teaching our entire family a few things about our hearts.
Thats nice.


**Justin is not going to get in trouble, but instead, Josh and I are going to praise him for praying to God and listening to Gods guidance and repenting for his greedy intentions. I know Justin has learned from this experience, and thats all that we as parents want to see---see our children learn from mistakes and have grace on others when they make mistakes also.


Bye.

Oh!! AND..... This Sunday (Oct 1st) is our one year anniversary. cool!

Happier Thoughts

September 24, 2006 - Sunday



Current mood: cheerful
Category: Life

Okay, I know that I have caused some of you to worry with the previous blog: I Wish It Would Stop Hurting and I am so grateful that you all showed so much love and concern.

I am a lot better now. Im sorry that many of my blogs are about complaints and fears, but my blogs are for the purpose of keeping record of my thoughts, growth, and challenges during my life. I find it much easier to type it all then to write by hand into a journal.

I had been having (Im embarrassed to admit) many feelings of resentment and anger towards the kids. I know this sounds really bad, so please do not think that I was acting these feelings out onto the kids like physically or anything, but this is the dirty, horrible garbage that filled parts of my heart. These thoughts were pure evil, for they were not belonging to God, and I was feeling so much shame and guilt for dealing with that grossness.

I was in fact experiencing many ugly symptoms that I tried over and over again to cover up (out of shame and embarrassment) and to tell myself to knock it off~as if it were as easy as wiping those thoughts away with a handkerchief, but every time I did that, I couldnt get down to the true problem that was manifesting these horrible attitudes and frustration. And so once a week I would have a break down, convinced of being a horrible person, tired and terrified of hearing once again how great of a mother I am to those boys from people that I used to live with, or those who I see maybe once a week at church, that dont even talk to me hardly at all. I was getting so irritated because I kept thinking that if only they really could see me with the kids, they would know, EVERYONE would know what kind of horrible person I was. So basically, I kept trying to address all the symptoms I was having, covering them up with Spiderman bandages and Neosporin, but the culprit behind these thoughts was simply this: I felt that I would always be replaceable, and that the boys (as I previous explained in that other blog) would choose, if given the choice, for me to go away if it meant that their birth mom (Stacie) would promise to come back to live with them. I felt like their love for me would be taken away and given to Stacie whenever she would actually call or finally show up to see them after months of her avoiding them.

I think that it was especially getting worse within me because she was actually starting to call a few times a week and actually looked like she was going to keep her every-other weekend appointment as scheduled by the Parenting Plan, and so I was feeling very threatened and wished with all my heart that she would just disappear. I know, totally the heart of Christ, right? (sarcasm) I never knew the depth of how evil I could be until I met Stacie and found out about all of the horrible things that shes done and have witnessed all the recent horrible things. I became a Pharisee when it came to her, completely judging her while collecting my stones and putting them in the pile in preparation for the next time she came around, utterly defensive and hateful towards her. Absolutely nothing like how Jesus told me to be. He told me to love her, to forgive her, to give to her what she needed. But I couldnt. She is my enemy and I chose to cast stones. Im a jerk.


But after I wrote that blog and discovered what was really going on and driving all those other symptoms, I was finally able to address it in front of God, to my husband and to think about how it was affecting me. (And then I repented.) And I feel so much better. I feel like just maybe, God is putting a little compassion in my heart for her. God has first given me security in that, He has assured me that I am not replaceable in the kids hearts and that the love that they have for me cannot and will not be effected by Stacies choices. The kids love is separate for both mommies because we are separate. I know that most of you, if not all of you, could have told me those things yourselves, and that in essence, that is what all of you have been trying to tell me all along when you encouraged me on the good job that you saw me doing with the boys, including those of you who, sadly, we dont get to spend much time with each other anymore, but my little heart was in a huge mess and was so hung up on symptoms that I failed to appreciate all of the times that all of you precious souls have tried to lift up my weary soul. Thank you to all of you. You bless me so much and I am sorry for acting so ungrateful and pitiful.

Sincerely yours,

Lucky Gal.

"
35Do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord, no matter what happens. Remember the great reward it brings you! 36Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised."

Hebrews 10:35-36

Showers...Drip...Drop, DripDrop

September 20, 2006 - Wednesday



Current mood: hopeful
Category: Life

Joel 2:23 (New Living Translation)


"23Rejoice, you people of Jerusalem [Bellevue]! Rejoice in the LORD your God! For the rains he sends are an expression of his grace. Once more the autumn rains will come, as well as the rains of spring."

~hehehehe.....I love Bellevue rains!

I Wish It Would Stop Hurting: No More Tears, Please.

September 13, 2006 - Wednesday



Current mood: hopeful
Category: Life

Hebrews 11:6.

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.



I cried last night for a half hour because I keep getting caught in a particular trap of my own. And really, while my physical symptoms include pain, feelings of frustration, feelings of being lost and alone, feelings that I'm too far away from God,, feelings that I'm failing miserably at being a mommy, feelings that I'm ugly, without purpose, and feelings of insecurities...the REAL issue is that of my heart. I have been disobedient in a number of ways--some including not believing good things for myself, as in that I'm not worth God loving or healing me. I have also stopped speaking in tongues (I know, could be weird for some of you), and some immediate results were that I stopped writing poetry inspired by God, I stopped receiving revelations in my life, and then I lost passion for the Bible. Now this is my specific issue, although those were obvious sins...this is perhaps even the worst thing that I've been doing. It is that I haven't been doing all things for Christ. I was trying to be a good mommy so that the kids would favor me over their birth mom, I've been trying to look good by putting on a happy face, I've been working hard at work to please my boss and to gain her favor--not God's....

So Josh brought up a good point. I am a mommy because this is where God led me. So everything that I do can't be for the boys--for I will only keep on feeling like I'm trapped--it MUST be for Christ, to please God. So every time I remind Shane to wash his hands, I need to say it and do it as if I am talking to Christ, every time I have to tell Shane that his shoes are on backwards again (for the millionth time), I must keep calm and say it as if I was telling Christ.

The clincher is (for my feelings are currently revolving around the kids) it doesn't matter how great or even how much better at being a mom I am than Stacie has, is and ever will be, the thing that hurts the most, the thing that brings me to tears even now as I write this--the kids will always wish for Stacie--they will always long for her, even if or when they find out about all the horrible things she did and still does, they will probably never love me anywhere near as how much they love her--who is completely undeserving. It's a heart thing, not a head thing (Josh said). I dont understand it--it's not fair, and yet I keep asking God, "why is this so hard? Why did He do this to me? Why do I love the boys, and yet they will never choose me? Every day they will always wish for her, and if ever given the choice, they would want me to leave and have Stacie come back--I am always replaceable...Why God can't You change them to pick me?"...I feel that I am replaceable...this sucks and hurts the worst.

So, now my (heart) situation is still not different--my environment has changed completely over this last year, and yet because I couldn't and wouldn't let God tell me in all the other environments (in the past such as pre-college, during college, during terrible experiences at summer camps ect.) who I am, my purpose and my meaning, not letting His word and truth be enough, (not that anyone could master this, for it seems that most if not all struggle with this) I had not yet understood that it's not about me, or where I am, who I am, or about my failures, but it's about God, always about God, who He is, Who He made me to be, and that He loves me no matter how much I fail. And so I went into motherhood extremely weak and extremely vulnerable.

And as I lay there in bed crying with Josh by my side, my husband kindly and gently reminded me that I am perfect. That I am not failing....That I am learning and am doing the hardest job that there is--motherhood. And that as much as he wishes that the kids could change their hearts and replace Stacie with me, that he knows that ultimately, that will never happen--we all long for our birth parents..and that is how God designed us--He made us to be like that and that is probably one reason why He hates divorce. Think how adopted kids long to find their birth parents-not all but most do, even while they love their adopted parents so much.

So let us not place favor on compliments and pats on the backs from this world (or from our kids), but let us favor God's love, compliments, glory, mercy, and truth. Let us favor the Lord's choice on how He designed us and place all our value on what He says about us, because His word is everlasting. Your design was in His heart and was perfect long before you were born into this world.

No more second thoughts about where you are, what you are doing, and don't let satan distract you with lies and with your environment or with seemingly bad 'choices' that you have made, because ultimately, it was God's choice. He set your life into motion and knew then and knows everything that you will do and say, for He made you to say those things and to do those things--you will never catch Him by surprise. So rest calmly in your environment, and God will be in your heart and will be guiding you. So now, let there be no more doubts and mature yourself with God's knowledge and with obedience. If you want to know more truth, make sure all that you speak currently is truth. Hold your tongue, heart, and mind captive and in alignment with God's Truth and God's heart.

So precious sons and daughters of the Lord God Almighty--who is the same yesterday, today, and for all of the tomorrows ahead-- rest in peace and Be Confident in Christ and do all things for Christ, and no longer wrestle with unbelief and step forward in faith--do not linger in things that do not resonate with God's heart, but be bold and speak truth.

"8Finally, all of you should be of one mind, full of sympathy toward each other, loving one another with tender hearts and humble minds. 9Don't repay evil for evil. Don't retaliate when people say unkind things about you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God wants you to do, and he will bless you for it. 10For the Scriptures say,

"If you want a happy life and good days,
keep your tongue from speaking evil,
and keep your lips from telling lies.

11
Turn away from evil and do good.
Work hard at living in peace with others.

12
The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right,
and his ears are open to their prayers.
But the Lord turns his face
against those who do evil."

and

"
13Now, who will want to harm you if you are eager to do good? 14But even if you suffer for doing what is right, God will reward you for it. So don't be afraid and don't worry. 15Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if you are asked about your Christian hope, always be ready to explain it. 16But you must do this in a gentle and respectful way. Keep your conscience clear. Then if people speak evil against you, they will be ashamed when they see what a good life you live because you belong to Christ. 17Remember, it is better to suffer for doing good, if that is what God wants, than to suffer for doing wrong!"

1 Peter 3

Uh...WEIRD! I've Got That Taken Care Of, Thanks.

September 11, 2006 - Monday



Current mood: weird
Category: Life

So, what Im about to disclose to you will probably not surprise you, for, I am married now, and this route is common among married couples.


Are you ready?

I take birth control pills. Okay, its out. My husband and I have a full house and plus, Bellevue is too expensive to have three kids. Two is the limit. Okay, honestly, we would love to have a baby, but I need to work right now and we really need a bigger placeand you have to be an almost-millionaire to have any sort of a house.

And.now its time to share with you a strange happening that happened yesterday evening, as it so happens. ( I wish I was cool enough to write like Dr. Seuss. That would be the most oddliest of things to have ever have happened here, there and everywhere..) .[Dont worry, I think Im done with that.] Jeepers! Word.doc HATES my newly discovered verbs and adverbs and despises my wonderfully random writing styles. You should see all the GREEN and RED squigglies all over the page! Arrrgh! No appreciation whatSOevEr!! ya, you had better Red-line it! It tried to change my whatSOevER into whatsoever without my permission.

Last night while at Safeway, I left Josh and the boys to shop for groceries and ran next door to the drug store to fill my prescription. So the weird, nerdy guy came up to the drop-off window, took one look at me and said, Well hey there! Its been a while since Ive seen you! I was just thinking that seems like its been over 30 days since youve been in!

Uh..What? Have I talked to this guy before? Have I even seen this him before? Those of you that work with me in the coffee biz totally know how long it takes for me to recognize customers, so you and I really arent that shocked if Ive seen him before and didnt remember him. BUT COME ON! ..

Ooooh! I gasp in my mind, is he keeping track of my menstrual cycle? (Im still asking this in my mind. At this point, my mouth was rambling on into a normal conversationwell, somewhat normal, you know, keeping cool under the awkwardness of it all.)

Seconds after his concern that it had been more than 30days since Ive been in (and it hasnt! I he would be a better stalker, he would know that I was on time. And it was exactly 28 days. MAN! Hes a cruddy stalker!), he leaned on the desk-kind of like that classic nerdy pose from movies in the 80s where they would kind of half smile, rest one leg coolly on a nearby step, lay one arm across his bending knee and almost, but not quite, wink at you in that charming sort of bad 80s movie way, and began asking me questions on how I was personally doing

Now, I dont want to jump to conclusions, but ladies, I think you might know that look and how you suddenly freak-out inside while you smile politely, change the subject and say, Oh, I need to gouh, okay.um thanks. KBYE! And you rush out the door.

My husband and I came back to pick up my prescription, and it was the same guy to ring us up. Josh said that the guy was really weird.

FINE ! as in finish (I think).

8:21 PM - 4 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove


Who Does God think He Is, anyways? *wink!

Isaiah 46 (NLT)

Babylons False Gods

1The idols of Babylon, Bel and Nebo, are being hauled away on ox carts. But look! The beasts are staggering under the weight! 2Both the idols and the ones carrying them are bowed down. The gods cannot protect the people, and the people cannot protect the gods. They go off into captivity together.
3"Listen to me, all you who are left in Israel. I created you and have cared for you since before you were born. 4I will be your God throughout your lifetime--until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you.

5"To whom will you compare me? Who is my equal? 6Some people pour out their silver and gold and hire a craftsman to make a god from it. Then they bow down and worship it! 7They carry it around on their shoulders, and when they set it down, it stays there. It cannot even move! And when someone prays to it, there is no answer. It has no power to get anyone out of trouble.

8"Do not forget this, you guilty ones. 9And do not forget the things I have done throughout history. For I am God--I alone! I am God, and there is no one else like me. 10Only I can tell you what is going to happen even before it happens. Everything I plan will come to pass, for I do whatever I wish."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh...that's who He Is. I think I'm gonna keep listening.

Stay tuned for another day in the life of ME. I have a good one from yesterday. I'll write it tonight.

I Whispered a Prayer...

August 31, 2006 - Thursday




Psalm 63 (NLT)

A psalm of David, regarding a time when David was in the wilderness of Judah.

1
O God, you are my God;
I earnestly search for you.
My soul thirsts for you;
my whole body longs for you
in this parched and weary land
where there is no water.
2
I have seen you in your sanctuary
and gazed upon your power and glory.

3
Your unfailing love is better to me than life itself;
how I praise you!

4
I will honor you as long as I live,
lifting up my hands to you in prayer.

5
You satisfy me more than the richest of foods.
I will praise you with songs of joy.

6
I lie awake thinking of you,
meditating on you through the night.

7
I think how much you have helped me;
I sing for joy in the shadow of your protecting wings.

8
I follow close behind you;
your strong right hand holds me securely.

9
But those plotting to destroy me will come to ruin.
They will go down into the depths of the earth.

10
They will die by the sword
and become the food of jackals.

11
But the king will rejoice in God.
All who trust in him will praise him,
while liars will be silenced.

THis Nagging Fear Of Mine Needs to Be Destroyed

Current mood: anxious
Category: Life

So, I have been a mommy for eleven months now. What Im about to write are just some thoughtssome will be happy and some will be sad, but mainly what Im about to write is not to get sympathy from anyone. I just want to try and structure my thoughts and record these feelings because they will show me what growth God has done within these 11 months of marriage and motherhood, and also Ill have this to look back to see how far Ive come.

Being a mommy has been really hard. There are so many emotional barriers that the kids and I have had to break through. And I think that it might be safe to say that they have come farther than I have, or maybe its more like they dont have any fears, but I still get bombarded with them. First off, I want to say that I love them very much, and as hard as this (my struggles and fears) gets at times, I am so glad that Im their mommy. If Josh didnt have any kids, I would have most likely been REALLY bored (I seem to lack hobbies) most of the time, even more antsy than I am now with a 7 & 10yr old running around. I think it was kinda Gods sense of humor to marry me into motherhood: He knew that I would need the extra stuff to do and extra fun.

Kids Emotional Barriers: In the beginning I thought that for sure the younger one would attach to me sooner, and that it would take a lot longer for the older one to trust me and accept me as his mom because he has memories of when Stacie (birth mom) was kind of around. Just a recap: Stacie abandoned Josh and their (at the time) 2 yr old and 5 yr old sons to pursue a life of meth, crack, pot, and who knows what, stealing Joshs money ( his bonus over $5,ooo which they needed cuz she kept racking up credit card bills) and the car, leaving Josh and the boys stranded in dead cold of winter in Michigan without money for food and without the jeep. Josh would have to bundle the boys up and walk in the snow and cold to get anywhere. She would disappear for a few days at first, then a week, and then for weeks, all the while threatening him that she would leave him if he told her parents at all about her stealing money, leaving them stranded for weeks without a car. Stacie would yell, scream and hit Josh in front of the kids constantly~she would say that she had nothing to hide from the kids and that it didnt matter if they saw her screaming, hitting and throwing things at daddy. Now it wasnt that Josh even did anything to make her mad, in fact, he became very submissive and shut down, ANYTHING not to ruffle her feathers. Anyways, this goes on and on into a few weeks ago on Shanes birthday, she actually called (first time ever) and demanded that when we got home from my parents (our weekend with the kids) on Monday that she get to spend time with them. Josh said absolutely not (its a week day, not to mention she was flying to AK with them that Thursday to her parents). She got angry and said that she wanted some birthday time with him (she only gets boys on even birthdays~it was Shanes 7th). Josh told her that its every other birthday, and angrily she snapped, Well then what happened to last birthday? Josh said, you dont remember? You were in jail. So, she threatened (she always does) Josh that, Youll be lucky if I bring those kids back you F'ing Asshole! and then she hung up.

Now, Im telling you all of this because even though she did all this, sold all of the kids toys and even their beds (for drugs?) after Josh and the kids moved to Bellevue, before the furniture and toys were moved from Michigan, we dont tell the kids any of this stuff. Josh and I are careful and do not bash Stacie. Instead we protect them. She tells horrible lies all the time to the boys to make them hate Josh, but I guess she doesnt get that Josh is the one that loves them and takes care of them day after day, when for the last three years, the boys were lucky (I use that term very loosely) to receive a phone call from her up to six months at a time.

Anyways, back to what I was saying about the attachment thing: it turns out that the oldest attached to me very quickly. (Im so glad). He tells me many times, mommy, I love you. But the youngest has held onto some fantasy memory of Stacie. Remember, she left him when he was two yrs. old. And besides that, Josh took care of the babies before and after work, did all of the cooking and cleaning (despite all the lies she told her parents that Josh was/still is the problem). She would call Josh at work and beg him to come home and take care of the kids cuz she didnt want to and couldnt handle them anymore. And yet the youngest still thinks the world of his mom and that hurts me so much, because thats such a lie. She was never around for him emotionally, verbally, and physically.

Not to mention the youngest (Shane) started this horrible attitude with me around the last few days of school. He had a really bratty attitude. There were so many times that I felt like he should just tell me that he hates me and get it out of his system. There was one night that I totally broke down and was crying to Josh how I felt (abused actually) utterly disrespected (but really unloved by him) and Josh was so mad that his son had been treating me like that, that he had a VERY long talk with him. Now, I took it very personally, and of course Shane had good moments. I think he just picked up on some horrible attitude from schooland probably was imitating what he saw from Stacie all the time when he was young and from what secrets she tells him and her attitude of hatred towards Josh and me.

So three months later, Shane is remorseful for how he was treating me, the one who does EVERYTHING for him, and also had to apologize to his summer school teacher (he was being bad to her too). So at some point, Shane turned 180 degrees from the cute, loving, kind, and compassionate kindergartner that he was all this year, to someone mean, disrespectful, lying, and grumpy little boy within the last few weeks of school. I know it was more of an attitude, but it really scared me. I always feel like a horrible mom anyways, but that broke me and unfortunately, Im still recovering.

Im so scared that theyre not going to love methat theyll love Stacie instead, projecting all the love and time that I have spent for them onto her! The one who didnt want to be a mommy or a wife any longer, abandoning them for the life of drugs.

I watched the ending of Stepmom on t.v. yesterday. Birth mom (who was dying of cancer) and stepmom were having an honest convo. Stepmom was saying how scared she was that on her step daughters wedding, while she was fluffing her gown and fixing her veil, that the daughter would be wishing that birth mom was there, not her (step mom). Birth mom was scared that on that same day that her daughter will have completely forgotten about her, thinking of only step mom who got to be there for that day. So one was scared that daughter would remember and long for the past (not her), while the other was scared that daughter will have forgotten the past (her). And then Birth mom said that it didnt have to be like what they were both fearing, that in truth, daughter would share her love and that moment with both step mom and birth mom in her heart.

So this shall pass, hopefully. Im tired of feeling like a horrible mommy, tired of being scared that Stacie is going to ruin their (the boys) love for me. Im scared that shell win and Ill be left alone in the dust. That her lies will destroy the knowledge that I truly love them in their hearts, and that they wont remember me, that Stacie might persuade them to hate me, cuz shes just that evil. I wish she would just disappear and leave our family alone. She isnt concerned about actually spending time with the boys, but concerned about feeding them with lies and destroying their love for Josh and I. **Just for the record, these are my fears, not Joshs. Hes not worried at all and is instead always telling me daily that I am the perfect mother for his children and that God obviously designed me and prepared me to be their mom, not Stacie. So I need to get rid of these fears, and I have no doubt that theyll go away someday.

WHOA!! LONG!!!! Holy COW!!
(I'll edit later. Time for a shower.)

Welcome To: TheNoThanks-I.Don'tNeedyourAdvice.com I Think I'll Ask A Real Person. (no)Thanks.

August 30, 2006 - Wednesday



Current mood: hungry

Well, its true, I have been married 11 months!~that is this Friday, September 1st.

How many of you have heard of The Nest.com or TheKnot.com? The knot.com is a website where brides-to-be can sign up and get helpful (of course not helpful for me) little tips for planning their wedding, how to register for gifts, and all the rules to being etiquette and stuff. The site also provides you with a bunch of to-do lists~always fun. Uh, and that was purely sarcastic. I gave up on this sight pretty quickly, cuz apparently I, Heather, am far from being anywhere near etiquette, and also too poor to follow etiquettes budget. I am so blessed by all the support that Josh and I received during the wedding. So many people put their gifts and passions and time into creating a beautiful wedding and reception! Our church is overflowing with wonderful and beautiful people! I swear we have every thing that a bride would need to create the wedding of her dreams!

But, this isnt the point. Im just ramblingsorry (**bashfully smiles**okay, not really, but I always picture bashful as a cute and cuddly faceand I want to have a cute face day, even if yall are just having to pretend my face is cute and cuddly).

THE POINT (for crying out loud! What would I do without parentheses?)
So once you are married, Theknot.com becomes Thenest.comlovely transformation, reallyand starts sending these obnoxious newsletters about how to make your marriage lastmaybe it should transform again into TheobnoxiousPsychiatrist-ButNotreally.com or TheworstHorriscope-4yourMarriage.com. Really, just some suggestions. Who knows, maybe theyll catch on and I could become famous?

This is the crap I just recently received:

Happy 11month-aversary!!

Dear heather & Joshua,
If you haven't noticed yet, the first year of marriage isn't all peaches and cream. Don't worry, it's normal. Beginning a new life together as husband and wife is a major adjustment. Disagreements are inevitable, but long, drawn-out grudge matches shouldn't be. The trick is knowing when to argue and when to let it go without resentment. When fights do happen, move on to making up with our handy tips.

Signed,
The Nest.

*Oh, you shouldnt have! Thanks so much for your concern! I mean, how did you totally not know that my marriage is actually STRAWBERRIES and CREAM????? GOSH! These stupid newsletters might be really scaring the crap out of couples!

My marriage has been very blessed by God. Of course I know that people fight and have disagreements in marriages (even with God around). But just for the record, Josh and I have never actually been in a fight.

So, Im going to offer a penny and a half (that ironically cost the mint 5 and ½ pennies to make) of cents to why I think Josh and I dont fight. Disagree, yes, from time to time, but its rare and isnt anything worth grudging about. (ooh! Cool verb~filled with bloody action, I might add cuz grudges are bad!)

Instead Of Fighting:
Ladies: If he says something that hurts you~perhaps in a tone of voice, a certain look, you know, all of those non-verbal cues that are screaming way louder than his words~
..1. Dont ASSUME (hes mad, he hates me, hes bored, not listening): Chances are if you assume something and respond from your conclusion that you derived from your assumption (DEEP!) (Im DEEP!!) then chances are youll be responding out of emotion more than from a more rational approach: Be honest on what exactly just hurt you and ask him to be clear. Perhaps he assumptioned (newVERB) wrong and was reacting to the way you said something, or like my husband, was just responding while mumbling, or focused on taking his shoes off, and always in a monotone voice that almost always expresses dis-interest (probably the wrong pre-fix).

..2. Even as much as you want to hurt him/her back, just keep your mouth shut! Calmly back off and take a breather. The moment you say something hurtful, youve lost success, and have only caused a wound. Angry words will not encourage a healthy reconciliation, but merely hurt the other persons trust and their heart AGAINST you. You will create a horrible barrier between the two of you that will stick around a lot longer than the actual fight lasts. Do not turn it into a fight of you always do this to me, or remember the time when you also did this?~BAD. Very BAD to do. Keep it focused on the real issue. Never bring into the argument other issues also. Save those to talk about later, during a non-confrontational moment--and don't blame. Express your concern, not your anger.

..3. Plain and simple: If you hurt a persons feelings (even if you think it shouldnt have hurt them or that they deserved it) plain and simple, you are guilty of hurting anothers feelings. You need to take responsibility and apologize. YOU are ALWAYS responsible for your words and for your actions. No one can make you say this or make you do that. You did, your fault, your problem, you fix it.

**In a marriage, I truly believe that its not about compromising with each other. Because thats still a selfish heart: Ill do this for you as to make sure I get what I WANT. Marriage should always be about SERVING. And yes, my dear readers, thats the hardest thing to do. But it does something BEAUTIFUL within your heart, soul, and within the heart of your spouse, family, and friends.

That rule Do unto others what you would have them do to you isnt about good and bad karma (what goes around, comes around) or to ensure you that you get what you want back from people, but its directed at your heart and being kind and loving towards all. Does UNSELFISH ring a bell? Jesus said not only to love your neighbors, but to also love your enemies. I doubt that your enemies will love you back, though. So the moral of this blogy (so it rhymes with story) Give and Love without expecting ANYTHING (even getting your way) in return. Thats true love~~utterly unconditional!

My Vegetarian Snake

August 26, 2006 - Saturday



Current mood: bored
Category: Food and Restaurants

Dear Abby,

I know that what Im about to tell you isss ssssomewhat odd and unprecedented, but pleasssssse do not judge me. I need your advice.

I have been ssssso worried about thisssss, that I havent had an appetite for weeksssss now. In fact, I have a feeling that my worry is harming me physssssically, in that, I am sure that I am becoming thinner. You sssssee, I think I may have to become vegetarian. I jusssst cant do it any longer! I feel like a murderer! A MURDERER! Ssssee how sssserious thissss isssss?? I can feel the vibrationsssss on my door as itssss being opened, and I know that dinner hasssss arrived, but have you sssssseeen how cute they are?? Oh man! Sssssso ssssoft and cuddly! I jusssst want to sssqueeze them..AAAHH! I mean no, NO! I dont want to ssssqueeze themdid you hear what I just ssssaid? Oh, Im sssso asssshamed! I ssssqeezed for the lassssst time! Never again!

I wonder if I could keep the next one asssss my pet? Oh wait. I probably sssshouldnt. Mother hassss alwayssssed advised ussss to not play with our food.

Please help.

~Snake

____________________________________________________________

So, that would be interesting. I hate dropping a little mouse into Snake's cage. Even though the mice poop and pee a lot in their cardboard carrying box just from the car ride, they are still so soft and cute. I don't like waiting around to watch Snake catch his dinner, because it still makes me sad every time when I hear the mouse squeek his last squeek. So I go into another room.

If Snake did become vegetarian, his poop probably wouldn't be so gross and smelly, but I'm thinking that a vegie diet may pehaps give him gas. I don't know which would be better, so I guess I'll put dreaming aside and kiss my vegetarian Snake idea goodbye!

Bye.

Excuse YOU!

August 25, 2006 - Friday



Current mood: amused
Category: News and Politics

So, I was summoned for the first time, to Jury Duty.
Here is part of what the letter said:

"Congratulations: Jury service is one of the fundamental rights, privileges, and duties of participation in a democratic society..."

It's almost like I won a prize or something, but not a prize as big as Publisher's Clearing House.

Actually, I guess my prize has not monatary value, but it's value is a privilege...it is a right that I have....but to be honest, when they say "duty," it's kinda not all that privileged anymore. Oh...I guess there is some monatary value: $10 per day. Only, it would be more like (at the minimum) $10 per hour for childcare, which would then put me about $40 bucks per day, in the big RED hole, and I was summoned for at least a week, so ya. If I viewed it as a privilege at this point in time (while I am a full-time mommy/part time barista while they're in school) I guess I could say that I would be $300 screwed-over-but-honored to follow through with my duty.

But I'm not that kind of girl. My family and $300 is way more important than sitting all day long, trying not to fall asleep in front of a judge. He would find me guilty for snooz'n on the job!

"GUILTY! and get her out of mY SIGHT!" ordered the Judge.

My letter proving that I am worthy of exemption must have been written really well (or maybe they're easy!) cuz they emailed me back saying that I was excused from duty! It makes me so proud!

Snake Smells

August 24, 2006 - Thursday



Current mood: discontent
Category: Life

The Snake smells really bad today! I even have its cage pretty much hidden by one of those cute divider wooden wall things, that has three slabs of dark wood with four 8 by 11 photo frames on each panel, that displaying pictures of the wedding, AND STILL, the snake's poop smell is wafting (spell check?) up and over into the living room!

I think the kids are right, we should let Snake go free at the Stinky Lake, just like we did with our smelly ol' hamster. "Stinky Lake": that's not it's real name, it's actually the Slough near the blueberry farm off of Bellevue Way...but it does get kind of stinky off and on, and is filled with masquitos!

You know what's weird--besides that I have a pet snake? The manager of our apartments is the one that gave it to us! She fed it and took care of a couple of baby snakes, and when they were big enough to swallow mice on their own without her having to pull the mouse apart into tiny pieces...(GROSS!) she asked Josh if he and the kids wanted a snake.

During last winter, we kept getting these phantom snake poop smells in our bedroom and the hall closet. Josh checked for Snake's poop (cuz he got loose quite a few times) in both places, but there wasn't any. So we asked our apartment manager if her snake happened to get loose. She said yes--she doesn't have her snake anymore. Well, that explains it. Her snake must have pooped in between the walls of our apartment, and when it gets heated up, we are reminded of the snake's great escape.

**I guess Snake just finished digesting his meal that I fed him last week. Do you get how gross this is?

I'm totally grossed out! Looks like Daddy gets to clean Snake's cage tonight!

Coffee Smells...

August 23, 2006 - Wednesday



Current mood: awake
Category: Life

So, I just brewed a pot of coffee. Mmmm...Yummy! It smells so good while it brews--the house carries the delightful coffee aroma. I dump some creamer (chocolate-rasberry) into my cup, pour some coffee....take a sip. And now, here I am, on my computer after finishing up my phone call to my insurance company, and realize, that's all I had of my coffee, just a lil' sip.

I love my coffee smell, but I just can't fall in love with the taste. (I used to love it with my choco-rasberry creamer too! Honest!!) So sad. So apparently, I just brewed coffee for the smell. HA! And I'm a barista at Starbucks! What the heck is wrong with me?

I have never experienced a caffeine buzz EVER! Well, only from Excedrin Migraine. **I used to pop a coupla of those before my drives between college and home**

Regretful...But Then Not Regretful.

August 16, 2006 - Wednesday



Current mood: contemplative
Category: Religion and Philosophy

"I am no longer sorry that I sent that letter to you, though I was sorry for a time, for I know that it was painful to you for a little while. 9Now I am glad I sent it, not because it hurt you, but because the pain caused you to have remorse and change your ways. It was the kind of sorrow God wants his people to have, so you were not harmed by us in any way. 10For God can use sorrow in our lives to help us turn away from sin and seek salvation. We will never regret that kind of sorrow. But sorrow without repentance is the kind that results in death." ~2 Corinthians 7

So, I am trying to gain more knowledge of the Old Testiment in the Bible. When I read it, I do find at times, that I don't understand and always agree with what God is doing and with what He is saying to His chosen people. But then I read on further, and my understanding loses much of my wrong interpretation, and instead starts to press into God's heart and into His ways.

Not that I think that I should counsel my Lord, but when my heart fights against His Words and Ways (that are higher than mine in wisdom, love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness) I struggle reading through some or, many parts in the Bible.

So before I read the Bible, I now ask God, "What do You want me to hear?Help me to understand what You are really speaking about." --This was reccomended by my pastor. Praying before I read helps me to empty my heart of premature judgements while I read--perverting God's true intentions of His heart with my own false interpretations based on only a small part of the HUGE picture....theme. And so if I were to stay in the OT without venturing into the New T, I would most likely miss out on the entirety of what God is trying to teach me and show me. So while He seems really harsh in the Old T, I still see His mercy and grace. And even in the New T, God still can seem harsh (through other people/disciples) with His inspired teachings, but I can see that His harshness is because He desires us to be in an intimate relationship with Him, and He will call to our attention when we are doing something harmful to us and to others. But, His timing is different for each one of us, and He always speaks directly to us when it's His timing, but He will pick and decide with which kind of instrument that He will reach us, whether throught tragedy, pain, a friend, pastor, stranger...ect. And although He seems really harsh at times and may come across as hurtful, He is doint it out of concern and love, just as a father tells his son not to play with fire, and will discipline his son if he fails to adhere to his fathers words, because his father is more concerned that his son has life (and not die to flames), than if his feelings get hurt from being reprimanded. He wants his son to turn from the rebellious behavior and to begin to use wisdom and caution.

In the verse I quoted above, Paul was writing this in his second letter to the church of Corinth. This second letter is a lot 'nicer' than his first to the church. While his first letter "1 Corinthians" in the Bible seemed very harsh...or actually, WAS very harsh to the Corinthians, Paul spoke out of deep love and concern for these people. Paul had said that he had to speak to them as children (still) because they lacked mature understanding of Christ (talk about a blow to egos!). Paul was very angry and convicted them about specific sexual immorality happening within their church, and was calling them to action--he was telling them that they needed to judge their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ in that, for what some of them were doing was utterly against the teachings of Christ and that those "Christians" who didn't want to repent for their immorality and sins, needed to be cast out of their congregation, and were to be no longer associated with, for their wicked sin and immorality would no dout, spread through and infect all of them.

For those to just sit by and not do anything or speak out against these immoral acts was to, in some degree, rationalize the behavior into being okay and acceptable. Paul states that it's not that we should separate and not associate with non-believers doing these things (or judge them, for that belongs to God), for then we would have to escape from this entire world, but that we are not to associate with CHRISTIANS doing these things, for they are knowingly rebelling against what they were taught, and were not repenting for their sins and for hurting others.

In his second letter to the church of Corinth, Paul is saying how glad that he is that even though what he said hurt them and convicted them, that they decided to do something about the immoral acts, and kick this person(s) out of the church. ** I believe what was happening is that a son was sleeping with his father's wife within the church. I might have it a little backwards though. I'll check in a bit and re-edit if I need to.** So Paul admits that he was at first, regretful and sorry that he sent the first letter, probably having second thoughts, but then didn't regret his strong words, because after the Corinthians' anger melted away, the truth behind Pauls words came through, and they were moved to make things right in the sight of God, and were remorseful for have letting this behavior go on, and they saw the severity and how dangerous this could have been for all of them--this sin could have birthed a stumbling block big enough for the entire church of Corinth to fall flat and have to start from ground zero after giving into their past temptations--before they believed in Christ--their old "nature."

So while this son and mother/step-mother proclaimed to be followers of Christ, therefor, they were under the Law, they were needing correction and needed to repent to God and stop these acts of sin. Those who are not followers of Christ, are therefor not under God's Law, as believers are, and this is why Paul says that we are not to judge those outside of the church, for they do not have the same convictions/rules. **And this is not to say that ALL non-believers think that this is okay, and that ALL Christians think that this is not okay. All people (try to) justify their actions no matter how immoral or moral they are--that's rationalizing, right?

Jesus also says that we are to still love our enemies, whether they are under the Law or outside of the Law, to give our enemy food if he is hungry, clothes if he is naked,, and water to quench his thirst. What does this represent? Unconditional love--the same love with which God loves every single one of us, no matter what sins we commit, and He loves us so much that it will not and cannot be measured or met by any human being--not even Mother Theresa (sorry if mispelled), because no human, no creation, is "as-good as" or is "better" than the One who created them.

"Hey, That Was Easy!"

Current mood: cheerful
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

Who has my button???? And you know what? If someone truly did take my button, do you reallllllly think that they would say, "Oh. It was me. I took your button." Of course not! They would never admit that they took my button! never EVER!

I wonder if I had just lost my button--say, in a parking lot, I wonder if found, if that person who found it would actually turn it in...or call me, cuz I would have my number on the back on a sticker sealed 70 times so that it wouldn't EVER fall off. No, I don't think that they would turn it in...if they found my wallet, they'll probably turn that into the police, but not my button.

I wish I had the Easy Button from Staples. What a great concept. I know it's weird, but I truly do find those commercials entertaining. A giggle has been known to escape my smile from time to time during the viewing of their latest commercial, it's true.

Technically, I wonder if I had an easy button, that my blogs would be written for me with just a simple push of the button. (although, it may not be simple to push the button, cuz i've never pushed one, so it might actually be really tough to press down. So then if it's not simple, but tought, then I bet that it was still worth every bit of the effort to push down the tough button). Then if my blog offended someone, then I could blame it on the button, because I doubt that the button would get it right every single time. I'm sure it has flaws too. Oh well.

Hey, I wonder if you can get and Easy Button in purple instead of red? Although, if pushed under papers or under the fridge, purple will be harder to find than red. So, you know, the designers were probably onto something with the color.

I want a button. ;^P

This dream of having an Easy Button with supernatural powers is just that: A Dream. Drat! It'll never happen, will it?

Honestly... Re-WRITTEN...and shorter, I Think.

August 15, 2006 - Tuesday



Category: Religion and Philosophy

Monday, July 17, 2006


Honestly...
Current mood: hungry
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Honestly, if there is no God, then where did this all begin? Even science cant disprove that someone or something had to begin the creation at some point, cuz something can not start from nothing. So as science is leaning more and more towards that the Big Bang theory is heavily flawed (so I've heard, I could be wrong) and that there had to have been a first at some point, I have heard that now some scientists are leaning away from Big Bang towards Creationism, which now brings comfort to some scientists out there cuz they no longer have to fake support for a THEORY that more than likely won't ever be proven fact cuz it disagrees with physics and all the other science stuff (Science was really hard for me in school!), but ask them about a Creator for their new Creation Idea and they tremble because they havent figured that out, and really dont want to admit that all these years theyve wasted trying to prove the Big Bang as fact (and the Christian God as false, while some non-believers use this to back up their argument as in the Christian faith is just a crutch for weak people who need something to feel better about themselves), have been pointing to a Being higher and more sophisticated than their own brains, further proving that there just might be a God that theyll have to answer to after all some day, and that even more embarrassing is that the Bible, amazingly accurate despite the skeptics trying to disprove it, has explained the beginning (as in by whom and how it was set into motion) all this time, while pointing them to a Creation concept and a Creator who was in charge of it all in the first place. Interestingly enough, God states that He is the Beginning and the End.

So sadly, SOME people that don't believe (scientists or non-scientists, lets just say unbelievers) just may continue on through their lives trying to figure out where life and all this began and why they even exist at all. They may never know that they were made with purpose in [Gods] mind, they were made un-flawed, beautiful, for [His] glory, with a PLAN for their life! Instead, they are lonely, angry, sad, confused, and no doubt, believe that they are mother nature's mistake to humanity.

Those that not only believe and love God are (should be?) happy and content (looking forward to their eternity with God) as they continue on through their days knowing full well where they came from, who made them, and are at peace about the whole thing and spend their lives focusing on loving others and serving others before themselves, continually pressing into God for His will, wisdom, peace, revelation, strength, joy, tenderness, mercy, forgiveness, truth, self-control, and patience, focusing utterly on the things of their heart (all this only, of course, if they have truly figured out what being a Christian actually means, not using it to cast judgment and hate onto others, completely missing and misusing Jesus' examples of true love for all). For from your heart, the mouth speaks, your true intentions are revealed!

***Ohooohhhhhhh, no worries! Calm down! A few people were a bit heated up about what I just said in the last paragraph, hence, why I have re-written this blog. Hopefully I can explain myself more clearly as to not upset those that might actually read this blog...again. Everything that I just said describes the WAY a follower of Christ should act, should represent God, should be focused on.. .SHOULD BE DOING every day in their lives.

So, if you are a believer, are you mad at what I just said? Are you convicted, perhaps? Maybe you wouldnt be all that mad at me if after I write this: HEY! IM JUST AS GUILTY AS YOU! IM NOT CLAIMING TO BE BETTER THAN YOU, OR THAT I AM THE PERFECT EXAMPLE OF CHRIST! HECK NO! ARE YOU CRAZY!
Although, would I be rude to say that I might have a lot of it figured out? That doesnt mean that I have perfected what I have learned, but what I wrote in that paragraph says that I do have some of it figured out. Why?? CUZ, CALL IT A REVELATION FROM GOD IF YOUD LIKE, BUT GOD POINTED THIS OUT TO ME TO CONVICT ME! And probably you and you.and everyone else who hasnt figure it out. Oh, but don't think that I think that what I think is smarter or better than what you think. It's my revelation--it doesn't have to be yours. It doesn't mean that I think that I'm doing it better than you. Just so you know. :^)

Now of course I was embarrassed that God said this to me, cuz it's always embarrassing when He does things like point out your bad parts in your heart. But, I am certain that He only means to help me and grow me.

Now there is WAY more than to just having this stuff figured out. Why, maybe some of you believers reading this have heard this and have read this stuff over and over again. But did it sink in? I don't know how many times Ive heard and read this stuff before God FINALLY was able to grab my attention. So that's the first part of revelations--get it to sink in. My second part was about writing it out--others process differently. This revelation came about from thinking about the argument (that some just borrow cuz they couldnt think of anything new) that Christian faith is a crutch for weak minded people (my pastor used to believe this with all of his heart for many years). So, I tied a science theory the crutch argument how a Christian should be living (or, more specifically, how at least I am supposed to be living) and that is where I had my big mistake of not separating the all these thoughts into different blogs, carefully structuring my thoughts/heart. Instead, I hurt people, and they thought that I was saying "pooh" on science, un-believers suck, and Christians rule! Absolutely NOT.

Okay, time to address something else, because I used to think the same thing. But God changed my heart about stuff, and I felt like God Himself told me that I really didnt believe in Him afterall, and that my actions and doubting words were speaking WAY LOUDER than my heart and than my faith (that I thought I had)! Lets go back to where I wrote this: "Those that not only believe and love God are happy and content (looking forward to their eternity with God) as they continue on through their days knowing full well where they came from, who made them, and are at peace about the whole thing and spend their lives focusing on loving others ect..."

So, up until like, um.a year ago (or so) I WASNT happy, I WASNT content or looking forward to an eternity with God (whatever that means/however long that is). Day after day I knew that God made me and that I came from God as in, His idea, but I hated ME, I hated how I looked, acted; I hated who I was! I hated my body and all the pain it has brought me, I hated living cuz I WAS WORTHLESS! I felt like I was always being ignored by my friends, that I was a failure, and totally boring AND I WAS DEFINITELY NOT FOCUSING ON LOVEING OTHERS because I wasnt ever at PEACE with ANYTHING in my life! Every day I accused God of making a mistake, because He made me, and everything about me was a mistake.

How could I love others while I felt like this? I didnt. How could I have grace, tenderness, mercy, love...how could I press into God's will for my life when I hate me--hated Him for making me? I should be ashamed of calling myself a Christian--one that loves God! Falsely proclaiming that I loved God with all my heart, when I hated His very own creation [me].

And thats when I realized, I had no faith.

I wasnt confident in God. I obviously didnt believe any of His promises for my life, cuz I was way too focused on ME. Me, me me me Me ME mmmMMMEEEEE! What a waste of time. So while I was so unhappy with God and all that He has done, I was rejecting His love, kindness, mercy, grace, and forgiveness, because I wasnt paying ANY attention to Him at all.

Well, now I know that I was wrong. And now I see MANY areas in my life that have been transformed from finally having confidence and more faith in God, and from being happy and content with who He made me to be. It is so hard to say to ourselves that, I am made perfect! I am made without flaws! I am beautiful! But I need to try, because thats what God says about me, and I dont want to call Him a liar anymore, because then it would seem obvious to me that I actually dont have Faith. You either believe, or dont believe. I dont really think that there is any middle-ground. If you dont fully believe, then you doubt. And doubt means no belief. So those that need something more so that they can be absolutely sure that Jesus was who He said He was, that the universe and everything that lives and breathes was created by God, that NOTHING can or will separate them from the Love of Christ, then you had better get studying and find out what you really believe.

~James 1:5-8 5If you need wisdom--if you want to know what God wants you to do--ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. 6But when you ask him, be sure that you really expect him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. 7People like that should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8They can't make up their minds. They waver back and forth in everything they do.~

So God wants us to go to Him! But we need to ask according to His plan for us--He has had a plan for each one of us since the very second He decided to create you, BEFORE your mother had even conceived you! So, if you want to learn about God's plan for you--His will for your life, than you need to ask. You must believe though.

Super Powers Part 2

August 10, 2006 - Thursday


Current mood: contemplative
Category: Blogging

whoa! this time, I "heard" the rain before I smelled it! Maybe I have a few super hero powers. I should be on that new show called "Heroes." Acutally, no, I shouldn't, cuz then I would have to be famous or something--or they could kill me off early in the season due to having thought I had hero powers, but really, I didn't, so I got killed by an evil villian (cuz he had real super powers, only they were evil:hence, my death) so then people would forget about me anyways, and I wouldn't have to worry about all the crazy press. **Notice I used the word "press" cuz I can't spell poperotzzeeeeie?

Super Spelling Powers? Nope. Not me. (I don't think that super spelling powers could actually ever really be considered as "hero" powers cuz it can't fight off bad guys, really. Although, if put up against an evil villian in a spelling bee,, perhaps it could do some damage to the villian's ego).

Hey! Let go of my ego!

Watch yourselves!

My Super Power Problem aka MSPP-that's what I got!

August 9, 2006 - Wednesday



Current mood: dorky
Category: Blogging

So last night I was in bed, go figure, eh? I bet you were too. But, I have an important issue to talk about.

I think that I actually have some crazy super power! My super power is deep, inside, hidden so that not a soul can see it. But MAN! It most certainly carries a strong presence.

So back to last night: The fan is in the window on high speed to blow in the cool air into our third-floor bedroom, and most importantly, to cover up outside noise. And then it happened! MY super POWER was UNLEASHED! No warning EVER! It just happens.

I told my husband that it was raining and that I was excited! And He replies, Really? How do you know its raining? You cant hear anything? (Okay, maybe he didnt say all of that, but needless to say, he was surprised).

I told him that I could smell it. Cant YOU smell it? I replied, like it was so obvious. But he said that he couldnt.and then as the fan blew in the dirty-wet-parking lot smell, he said that perhaps he could smell some of it, but only because I had said something.

Anyways, my super smell is pretty annoying, in fact, I dont know if I can think of any benefits to having it. Well, I guess there was this one time that we had a serious gas leek in our apartment cuz a pipe got a hole or something. The boys and I walked in from shopping, and I smelled it. So, maybe I saved us, huh? Maybe.

But a few weeks ago, we took the kids to see Monster House, and we had to move a row back half-way during the movie, because someone had taken off their shoe, and all I could think about was how I wished that person would cover up their sweaty sock smell and put their shoe back ON where it belongs! I dont know exactly who it was, but, I have my suspicions.

My boys have really smelly feetI cant stand it! I have to tell them to put clean socks on or wash their feet. So Gross!

My super power let down. There. Now you know.

Fears? Not For Long!

August 2, 2006 - Wednesday




My dear friend Mackenzie recently posted a comment addressing my lack of bloggage (hmm, or blogadge?) on my page. I will admit that Ive been a bit fearful of my writing. how come? You ask. Well, no doubt that this will come across a bit foolish to some, and the others, well, what am I talking about, there arent others beside the some that even look at my blogs. But because of my lack in writing skills, and my tendency to blend several thoughts together--because I am severely unstructured in my thought process, and I cant seem to read my stuff in the way that others will read, therefore, I am always shocked when my writing was miss-read/miss-understood. It is not at the fault of the readers, for the fault is my own and I seriously need to re-evaluate my thoughts before hitting the post blog button.

Anyways, so basically, Im embarrassed, thats all, but Ill get over it. Why cant I just write about normal FUN things that happen during the day? It is beyond me! Oh well.

Another reason for not writing, Ive been very focused writing a letter that turned out to be about 7 pages, in this indeed, I was more worried about structured writing and love to be evident in this document, more than any blog. And, also, we had a really horrible weekEND with the ex-wife, who seems more off her rocker every time we speak to her.

God convicted me about fear. I was so scared that I was literally sick to my stomach. I was reading in Romans about having faith that God is taking care of me, and I have never been able to apply it to the ex-wifethe birth mom of my two boys. She is viscious and cares nothing about her boys well-being. She only concerns herself with, more and more, about lying to the kids, saying absolutely everything and anything to make the kids hate Josh, and hates me. Josh and I only speak kindness about their motherwe refuse to play games with themfor when their hearts are confused and hurt by lies, we have to pick up the broken pieces and clean up after their mothers attacks, even after only an hour of her being with them (she cannot apparently stand to be around them for more than that).

Anyways, Ive been asking God for courage. I have been so fearful that the kids will believe their moms lies, and begin to hate me, the one who IS their mommy, taking care of them day in and day out, providing for thembasically doing all the mommy responsibilities that their birthmom said peace-out to, when Shane was only 2 yrs, Justin 5yrs old. But God showed me that I havent any need to worry, because immediately after birthmom spit out a list of lies, Justin snuck in close to daddy and told him that he didnt think that that was true and admitting to daddy that he was confused. Poor kid! He, more than likely for the first time, was paying close enough attention, and witnessed his birthmom lie to him and his brother. So now birthmom just forced her son to choose which parent to place his trust in. I know that must have hurt him tremendously to have to feel like that. Needless to say, we had a lot of things to talk about that night with the boys after their visit with their mom that included two cops to convince her that she had better bring them back in time for Shanes birthday party.

Josh and I have had to make the decision that enough is enough, and that we must be honest with the kids about whats going on, especially now that theyre paying closer attention to truth and lies (they have both just been broken out of the lying stage this year, and have learned that mommy and daddy will give them grace and mercy when they decide to tell us the truth, and the consequences will be less when they honor God, parents, and teachers and friends with their mouths). The kids are more aware of lies, therefore, they will be picking up on those that their birthmom says. Foolish herwhy cant she be more concerned about hanging out with her wonderful sons and spending time with them playing and getting to know them, than she is about trying to ruin Josh and I in their hearts, blaming Josh for her past mistakes, and blaming me that she cant come live with them again and be a happy family because I live there nowtotally avoiding responsibility on her part and how she said that she didnt want to be a mother or a wife anymore, ultimately abandoning her kids YEARS before the divorce.

Anyways, Gods giving me courage and strength. Hes given to me great kids and a great husband, and the birthmom is and never will be, a threat to meunless she actually gets crazy enough to bring a gun and shoot me, which I could actually see happening.


But, Im not gonna waste my time thinking about this.

I've Been HIT!!! AAaaahhhhh!

July 19, 2006 - Wednesday



Current mood: accomplished
Category: Sports

~WATER sports, that is...~

Bright colors are flashing by my figure. "What in the....."
Splash!
"Aaaahhh," I run to dodge the purple, green, orange, pink and yellow water bombs!

Only....SADLY, almost as soon as the fun began, it was over.

Hardly soaked, actually, hardly even a dribble flashes in the sun....
My boys and I look around us...All wondering the same thing, "Already? It's over?"

Yes, it is all over with. Sadly, those little balloons apparently don't break when they hit their intended target, rather, they wait patiently to rupture until they have successfully bounced off their target, and have landed on the ground.....Wait for it.....(more anxious this time) WAIT FOR IT..... POW!!! They explode on the grass!

The one guilty of the attack suddenly loses his excitement because, once again, his balloon has failed him.

Fifty, a hundred, Shoot! Ten Thousand balloons later, and yet, only seconds after we started, they are all are gone. And the boys....Welll, the boys are still dry, except for a few drops of H2O on their feet.

Mommy....Wellll, MOMMY is a different story. It seems that before the war had even started, Mommy had already just about drowned in unsuccessful attempts to fill the tiny balloons with water.

On this hot day, I think mommy was actually the lucky one. For only mommy actually cooled down.

Mommy won the war! Not to mention, mommy also was in charge of the hose, which means, the boys lucked out in the end, and are currently drying off in the sun.


(I'm sorry, but no spell check today)

hmmm...

July 18, 2006 - Tuesday



Current mood: loved
Category: Life

Isaiah 46

Babylons False Gods

1The idols of Babylon, Bel and Nebo, are being hauled away on ox carts. But look! The beasts are staggering under the weight! 2Both the idols and the ones carrying them are bowed down. The gods cannot protect the people, and the people cannot protect the gods. They go off into captivity together.
3"Listen to me, all you who are left in Israel. I created you and have cared for you since before you were born. 4I will be your God throughout your lifetime--until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you.

5"To whom will you compare me? Who is my equal? 6Some people pour out their silver and gold and hire a craftsman to make a god from it. Then they bow down and worship it! 7They carry it around on their shoulders, and when they set it down, it stays there. It cannot even move! And when someone prays to it, there is no answer. It has no power to get anyone out of trouble.

8"Do not forget this, you guilty ones. 9And do not forget the things I have done throughout history. For I am God--I alone! I am God, and there is no one else like me. 10Only I can tell you what is going to happen even before it happens. Everything I plan will come to pass, for I do whatever I wish. 11I will call a swift bird of prey from the east--a leader from a distant land who will come and do my bidding. I have said I would do it, and I will. 12Listen to me, you stubborn, evil people! 13For I am ready to set things right, not in the distant future, but right now! I am ready to save Jerusalem and give my glory to Israel.

You've got MAIL!!

So I couldn't help wondering how you are doing....How's the job? the significant other? ....how's God and you?

I am the first to admit that I've been ignoring the Bible...I lost passion for it. But, even with lots of prayer asking God for motivation, excitement, and love for His Word...nothing happened, until, after weeks of lingering in a passive state (thanks Aaron O'harra), I FINALLY was obediant and ACTED out of faith. How can the Lord reach my ears if I have forsaken His Word, and worse yet, ask Him to GIVE to me motivation, excitement, and love when I won't even OPEN UP THE BIBLE in obedience....EXPECTING wisdom (by asking God what He wants me to hear from His Word), motivation, excitement and love. For God tells us in James to ask for Wisdom and to ASK HIM what His will is for us, and that He would gladly give it to us...

~James 1:5-8 5If you need wisdom--if you want to know what God wants you to do--ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. 6But when you ask him, be sure that you really expect him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. 7People like that should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8They can't make up their minds. They waver back and forth in everything they do.~

But notice how He says that don't ask if you waver in unbelief?..don't be a passive fool.

There are so many times where I ask God about specific things....And then I wait, and WAIT!................. ................. ...... .................... .......................... ......... oh! I'm sorry, I'm still waiting, but you don't have to wait with me, I'll continue with this letter...... (I'm still waiting, by the way)

So I ask God about certain things.....but I tend to hear Him answer questions that I didn't even ask.
"Are You serious, God? Are You trying to be funny?" I'll tease Him...

But He will tell me to, "Listen Child!"
"Child?" I'll think, "Lord, come on now,, we both know that I'm 26 and a HALF!" But I put the jokes aside and now that even though I have asked Him for specific things, I also ask to Hear His voice. So although He may not specifically be answering what I asked for (the latter), He is absolutely answering the former, to hear Him. It kind of jolts me when He says stuff out of the blue (or purple. I like purple a lot, even though for years I claimed blue as my favorite. I just had a submission problem)...and how do I know it's Him?

Well, not that there is specifically a formula, but God talks to me pretty much in the way I talk, except He will bring out His "big daddy" voice at times to make a point clear. You know what He had the nerve to do RIGHT before I fell asleep last night? He told me that I am no one to speak about forgiveness, because I was guilty of stubborness, holding a grudge, selfishness, and disobediance, and hypocrisy. SIN. Okay, I get it....all He asked me to forgive and repent. DARN IT!! It happened over a year ago, and basically my ego was hurt. WHO CARES! I need to step into obedience and get cleaned out, cuz I don't want to have all that SIN as a filter into my heart. That would be mis-leading me into bad judgement, to where I would even be filtering out God's Voice through that junky ol' SIN, more than likely, ruining His message to me, most assuredly muffling out His voice--I would be lucky to have even noticed that it was God in the first place.

So, back to my formula-thingy, but again, this is based off of my experience with God. And when I am in doubt (that it was Him), there are a few things that I need to remember.

..1. Philippians 4:8 (NAS)

"8Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things."

..2. I pray about it and wait for God to speak to my heart. Kind of a feeling type thing, but not always. It's His Holy Spirit, really. But, God did create us to be emotional, and He does use emotion.

..3. Test it to scripture. The thing that He tells you, does it sound like God? Well, my first thing to ask is, if you don't read His Word, then how could you know if it sounds like something that He would say? **Read your Bible!**

..4. AND, you can always go to others, asking them for prayer and such. Go to a pastor, you know...RESEARCH!!

If somebody told you that I (heather) had said that I HATE bumble bees, well, if you know me, you could tell that that person didn't know me well, if at all, because you would think, "That doesn't sound like Heather at all! She would never say such a thing." You would only be able to conclude...this conclusion (hehehe) if you had actually spent time with me, talking with me, and getting to know me. AND IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW ME, YOU NEED TO LOVE ME. You must LOVE God!

Anyways, just a reallly looong thought. Sorry....kind of. Oh ya...just to bring this up again also...

~Isaiah 45:19 (NLT)
19I publicly proclaim bold promises. I do not whisper obscurities in some dark corner so no one can understand what I mean. And I did not tell the people of Israel to ask me for something I did not plan to give. I, the LORD, speak only what is true and right.

Honestly...

Honestly...
Current mood: hungry
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Honestly, if there is no God, then where did this all begin? Even science cant disprove that someone or something had to begin the creation at some point, cuz something can not start from nothing. So once science establishes that the Big Bang theory is heavily flawed and there had to have been a first at some point, I have heard that now some scientists are leaning away from Big Bang towards Creationism, which now brings comfort to the big brainers out there cuz they no longer have to fake support for a THEORY that more than likely won't ever be proven fact cuz it disagrees with physics and all the other science stuff (Science was really hard for me in school!), but ask them about a Creator for their new Creation Idea (Wow! Gold stars for them, DUH!) and they tremble because they havent figured that out, and really dont want to admit that all these years theyve wasted trying to prove the Big Bang as fact, have been pointing to a Being higher and more sophisticated than their own brains, further proving that there just might be a God that theyll have to answer to after all some day, and that even more embarrassing is that the Bible, amazingly accurate despite the skeptics trying to disprove it, has explained the beginning all this time, while pointing them to the Creation idea and the Creator who was in charge of it all in the first place. Interestingly enough, God states that He is the Beginning and the End. So while they stand in their laboratories and scratch their heads trying to figure out where life and all this began, those who love God are happy and content as they continue on through their days knowing full well where they came from, who made them, and are at peace about the whole thing and spend their lives focusing on loving others and serving others before themselves, continually pressing into God for His will, wisdom, peace, revelation, strength, joy, tenderness, mercy, forgiveness, truth, self-control, and patience, focusing utterly on the things of their heart (all this only, of course, if they have truly figured out what being a Christian actually means, not using it to cast judgment and hate onto others, completely missing and misusing Jesus' examples of true love for all). For from your heart, the mouth speaks, your true intentions are revealed! And why are these scientists (and others) trying so desperately to disprove the existence of God? Well, because they are sinners who feel ashamed for what they have done, and who dont want to take responsibility for what they have done or what theyll do. (although many have at one point turned to God, but not out of repentance and obedience, and recognition that He is God, not their enslaved genie who is there to make life wonderfully easy and make them rich and healthy for the rest of their days--Anyone who believes that is utterly deceiving themselves. And there are also those that went to the church where they were surrounded by hypocrites, and were mistreated and looked down upon by believing jerks!If you were one of those, I am truly grieved and sorry that you were treated that way!!)

So, there are all these people who feel judged and abandoned by God out there in the world, lonely, thirsty and hungry. But only if they knew that God doesnt make people feel ashamed, He convicts them to bring them out of sin's destructive pattern and deadly grip. God hasn't asked them to pay for what they have done, for He already took care of it through Jesus, He just asks that we repent. So for people to say that they want a miracle from God to truly show how powerful He is while, at the same time, they totally have no regard for the miracle of Jesus' birth and death, or for the miracles that were recorded over and over again in history (the Bible didnt exist then), why would they expect such a miracle for themselves? A miracle isn't (most of the time) going to change someone's mind about God. It's about their heart and if they believe and are going to trust God and His word.

~James 1:5-8 5If you need wisdom--if you want to know what God wants you to do--ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. 6But when you ask him, be sure that you really expect him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. 7People like that should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8They can't make up their minds. They waver back and forth in everything they do.~

So God wants us to go to Him! But we need to ask according to His plan for us--He has had a plan for each one of us since the very second He decided to create you, BEFORE your mother had even conceived you! So, if you want to learn about God's plan for you--His will for your life, than you need to ask.

Lets say that a guy who has never had any respect for God and doesnt want to believe in Him says to God, God, if you do this for me and heal my back from all of this tremendous pain, then I will believe that You are there and because you were so faithful to prove to me that you exist, then I promise to believe in You when I am healed. With this said do you think that if God did heal the man from all of his pain and ailments that the man would truly believe in God after the pain has left (Most Likely, NOT)? That is an example of how many view God as a magical genie who is desperate for peoples votes of approval and acceptance. This is an absurd and really, an illogical thought process! If I had told the story differently as in the man went to a stranger and said that if he would give him a free massage and pain killers any time his back was hurting him, that he would promise to be his BFF (best friend forever), would you not think that to be a foolish and absurd request? It is the same for an unbelieving person to expect God to do something for them when God knows the true intent of their heart.

Does God need our love and affection? No. But does He love it and find joy when we give it to Him? Yes indeed. It says that God delights over us with songs! He sings over us because of His unconditional love!
~Zephaniah 3:17 For the LORD your God has arrived to live among you. He is a mighty savior. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song."

AND

Isaiah 62:5
And as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride,
So your God will rejoice over you.


But when a believing person comes to God and asks that God would take away their pain and sickness, they are in obedience. For we are to be in prayercommunicationcommunionin an INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP with our Creator, or how else will we know His heart? Know His voice? Hear His revelation? Receive His Wisdom? How ELSE?? How can we RECEIVE His Healing? WE CANT! We are not in God, we are not with God, therefore, we reject God when we are in disobedience! How can I give my child a hug when he rejects my embrace? I cant because he is REJECTING me.
When you dont believe, then dont bother asking God for anything, because even if He did give it to you, you would be missing His whole point behind it. Not that God doesnt heal un-believers. He has MANY times, but He knows their heart, and knows that theyll recognize it for what it is, a Miracle, and not some wish that the genie finally made come true. He has had a plan for them and new that that was the time that He has reserved to reveal Himself to them.

Has God healed my pain? Nope. **Read previous blog.** But Hes God. Hes NOT my servant, or my genie. He governs me, not the other way. He speaks to me on the things of His heart and I will not forsake my prayers for healing, but I will move forward, beyond my pains and suffering, (for there are people who I know personally, suffering far greater than I), and set my heart on the Will of my Savior, my Creator, my Father, on my God. I will not be as so foolish to say that my God created me with flaws! He says I am perfect in His sight and I will rest at ease.
~This is what the LORD says, I called you by name when you did not know me. 5I am the LORD; there is no other God. I have prepared you, even though you do not know me, 6so all the world from east to west will know there is no other God. I am the LORD, and there is no other. 7I am the one who creates the light and makes the darkness. I am the one who sends good times and bad times. I, the LORD, am the one who does these things. 8Open up, O heavens, and pour out your righteousness. Let the earth open wide so salvation and righteousness can sprout up together. I, the LORD, created them.

9"Destruction is certain for those who argue with their Creator. Does a clay pot ever argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying, `Stop, you are doing it wrong!' Does the pot exclaim, `How clumsy can you be!' 10How terrible it would be if a newborn baby said to its father and mother, `Why was I born? Why did you make me this way?' "

11This is what the LORD, the Creator and Holy One of Israel, says: "Do you question what I do? Do you give me orders about the work of my hands? 12I am the one who made the earth and created people to live on it. With my hands I stretched out the heavens. All the millions of stars are at my command. 13I will raise up Cyrus to fulfill my righteous purpose, and I will guide all his actions. He will restore my city and free my captive people--and not for a reward! I, the LORD Almighty, have spoken!" ~Isaiah 45:4-13 (NLT)

Isaiah 45:19 (NLT)
19I publicly proclaim bold promises. I do not whisper obscurities in some dark corner so no one can understand what I mean. And I did not tell the people of Israel to ask me for something I did not plan to give. I, the LORD, speak only what is true and right.

Ouch!!! I'm tired of pain!!

Current mood: content
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Last night showed that I am weak when I am lost in concern for my body. I pray daily and my husband prays ten times more! My parents pray as well as people in the church for my healing.

Last night I laid awake for several hours in agony of my spirit. It is true that for the third week in a row, I am unable to sleep because of a ruthless and burning torture within the muscles of my back. I am not a preacher, but I am a listener. And this morning I must repent for accusing my Lord (again) for even the slightest of a thought that perhaps I am either being punished or am cursed.

Some of you know, and most dont, that my body is stricken with pain and discomfort. Hold on! I am NOT wanting your sympathy, but I am craving courage that my God will set me free. Yes, YES! Ive heard it all preached to me that God is all powerful and all merciful and will heal my body. I know that He will, for is it not promised to all that He will give to us new bodies?
We, too, wait anxiously for that day when God will give us our full rights as his children, including the new bodies he has promised us. Romans 8:23
But unfortunately (as far as my mind can see), God does not promise that He will heal me in this life. It is quite possible that all these pains that I live with, will possibly be with which I die with.

Is God punishing me? Of course not! For I have been forgiven. If it were not so, would I currently be concerned with Gods nature and will? No. If I was unconcerned and not seeking God about these things, (for I am to seek Him in ALL things), I would obviously not believe in God (so why would I have cause to be angry at Him when He doesnt exist?), furthermore, I would be suffering for (my) unbelief in Jesus death and miraculous resurrection from the cross, meaning that I would be unSAVED, and unFORGIVEN. For it was Gods plan to come down to earth in the form as our bodies (human) to walk this earth, to experience all that we have: sadness, temptation, thirst, hunger, cold, and even death (even I have obviously not experienced the latter). But because that I am SAVED and FORGIVEN, for I do believe the ministry of Jesus Christ, I know that I am not being punished. If I am to believe that God sent His Son (God in human flesh) to die even while I was not a believer and denied Him several times, then I would be nothing more than the greatest fool to not see the EVIDENCE of Gods Mercy, Grace, and Love for me and all of mankind. So, with that said, those non-believers prove themselves to be the greater fool to proclaim in anger and frustration that God is punishing them, when they dont even believe in His existence! If then dont believe, then they lack all knowledge of Gods ways. For who is there so wise to counsel God? NONE!

I have established that God is not punishing me. So, why am I to have peace and joy and to be grateful to God for this body when it brings upon me such pain? Because God made my body perfectly to His design. How am I to respectfully accuse my Maker that He was flawed in His design? I cannot, for that lacks all respect, am I not right?
To the contrary, I have noticed that perhaps my bodys imperfections have humbly brought me into obedience, and others around me, with Gods will. God says to seek Him first and in all things, and in all honesty, if I lacked all needs, then why would I need God? My ailments have certainly kept me in obedience to prayer! But my Lord has been faithful to work within my obedient heart, giving me more strength and understanding, as He leads me into prayer for other things as well. His Spirit, which is His helper inside all that accept Jesus and believe, is developed and shaped while I ask God for His help and understanding and while I repent and ask forgiveness. Gods will for my life exceeds the boundaries of my pain and suffering, and I become Gods tool to work on His behalf for others, whether through my prayers, words of encouragement, poems, or physical service. (Or through jokes, for sometimes I am pretty funny!)Oh lighten up! Im just kidding!

So although during a heart-felt moment with God, I accused Him of punishmentstripping Him of His obvious love and concern for me, and yet, He still loves me just as much, and was more than willing to answer my cries of depression last night. For truly, His Words are active and living, even while they were written thousands of years ago. God showed me His faithfulness and shared His heart with me again.

18Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will give us later. 19For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are. 20Against its will, everything on earth was subjected to God's curse. 21All creation anticipates the day when it will join God's children in glorious freedom from death and decay. 22For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23And even we Christians, although we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, also groan to be released from pain and suffering. We, too, wait anxiously for that day when God will give us our full rights as his children, including the new bodies he has promised us. 24Now that we are saved, we eagerly look forward to this freedom. For if you already have something, you don't need to hope for it. 25But if we look forward to something we don't have yet, we must wait patiently and confidently. ~Romans 8:18-25

Splish!! Splash!!

Current mood: contemplative
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Luke 12:8-9 (New Living Translation)

8"And I assure you of this: If anyone acknowledges me publicly here on earth, I, the Son of Man, will openly acknowledge that person in the presence of God's angels. 9But if anyone denies me here on earth, I will deny that person before God's angels."

Holy cow! So my pastor talked about baptizing and what it means and so on. Many people look at it different ways. THere are a lot of people really embarrassed to do it (they don't like to be pulled out of a crowd), some are embarrassed cuz they're ashamed of how they might look after they've been dunked under water, or they don't like their body and don't even want to dress up in a old shirt and shorts (you don't have to be in a bathing suit). Many Christians look at it as more of what the Bible means theologically through baptizing, in that, if you've confess with your mouth and believe in your heart that Jesus is Lord, you will be saved, and that baptism doesn't have to happen in order to be saved, but it's just more of a symbol/tradition.

Now I don't know if the latter is really all that wrong, well, I guess I didn't until my pastor (who didn't say that was wrong) brought up many verses that is says,.."and be baptized and you will be saved." Implying that you must believe, confess, and get baptized and THEN you will be saved.

But the best part of the sermon was when Curt (my pastor) focused it all on you heart, and how great of a declaration you would make for God in front of public, in front of some of the scariest people that you know. Would you testify to God's greatness? He also....Oh, before I continue, I must really make sure that you know that I'm a really horrible paraphraser, and I get things wrong a lot, but hopefully God can still use me. Continue: Curt also was saying that many people don't get opened to all of God's blessings, getting filled with LIFE because they are NOT exactly acknowledging their Lord with the way they live.

Many people were baptized young, as in younger than say fifteen, when at that point, one really must question what good was the baptism if the baptisee(?) isn't making a public acknowledgement to God for his/her own heart. Many people were baptized very young, some even as tiny babies, and now, years later they say, "ya, sure! I'm saved! I've been baptized," all the while they're out having pre-marital sex, lying, stealing, into pornography, and doing drugs in their day to day lives. Where's God?

So while baptizing is truly a VERY public display of acknowledging your Lord God, Creator of all, your Father, does it mean anything if you're not willing to acknowledge God in all that you do? Acknowledging Him at work, with your friends, helping someone out, smiling at a homeless person, shoot, giving them food, or in the way that you talk and act?

And you know what? I made the choice to get baptized when I was probably around 12 or 13yrs old...And I can honestly tell you that my mom had a alot to do with it. Yes, I made the choice, but then I got really embarrassed and wanted to back out of it, but mom was there. Unfortunately, being in your twenties is a lot different from pre-teen, and I definately could of chosen different things, you know, in the way of acknowledging God. There were many times that I failed miserably...So I can honestly say that I NEED to show baptism of my heart! I need a lot of work. And when Curt asked if any more people wanted to be baptized today....I was too embarrassed, and instead of following most of the church family to the lake after the service today, my husband I went and returned clothes to Old Navy, went to Home Depot and to Best Buy. I still have a lot to learn. Why am I embarassed? Am I embarrassed of God? Hmmm.....that's not good. And I'm a bit bothered about my hesitation.

God,, I have a disobediant heart! For Sure!!! I need help! I've forgotten Your Word and You wisdom and Your Love. I've forgotten to invest in You and me time. I need passion. Please help!

Yours truly,

Lucky Ga