Longing to Feel...
So this instant mom thing isn’t bad at all. Well…the fact that kids can really bring out the worst in you is probably the only thing that’s really hard to deal with. So many of us dream about the day that we’ll have kids and how we’ll never do “this” or “that” and especially that typical cliché that has all of us promising, “ I’ll NEVER do what my parents did to me,” …and yadda ya, but sadly, hate to break it to ya, we DO those things anyways. Why? Because when the kids are fighting, whining, complaining, lazy, and forget for the 104th time that toys do not go in the kitchen and to wash their hands WITH SOAP, the worst of you bursts out. You might raise your voice and threaten them with spankings the first 50 times after you’ve told them 20 times already, and by the 75th time after you’ve told them the other 70 times, you just get mad. It’s so annoying!
I’m constantly asking God for help in this area. Talk about Patience! I used to have at least 50 units of it, but now I’ve had to break into Josh’s stock (which has the special “new and Improved” feature added to it, cuz he’s been doing this for years now) and of course, wouldn’t you know it, apparently “patience” is tailored specially for only one person (you can’t share, or borrow), so those units that I “borrowed” from Josh didn’t really work for me…Is there a store that sells it?
Unfortunately, No. There’s only one place to get it from and one would think that God must be so tired of hearing that prayer, because sometimes, that’s the only thing I can think of praying, well, that and the one that starts and ends with, HELP!
The Main Point:
So a few blogs ago, I had written about how awful of a mom I feel like I am. Yes, I am most definitely missing that “bond” with the boys, since they aren’t mine, but there are many times where I feel so horrible, because without that bond, I feel I’m without that “Love” that is between mother and child. So that’s another prayer→asking God for more love for these boys.
February 1st will mark the 4th month of my marriage and mommy hood. I know it’ll take at least another month and a half (….probably more**wink!) longer to get in the hang of things and not feel just like a babysitter. I truly want to be connected with these boys, not feel like all I do is remind them where to put their dirty clothes and to keep them from fighting—constantly watching their every move! Maybe I need to relax, but MAN, I feel like I’m so negative.
Of course I tell them that I love them, I do and so much, and I tell them how proud daddy and I are of them; that we are blessed to have them as our sons, and that that is the BEST drawing of a five armed robot that I’ve EVER SEEN! ….But I just really need those feelings of love and the joy that come with being a parent.
So, I doubt myself and my mommy abilities A LOT. I cry a LOT and feel like a failure..A LOT. Thank You God that my husband tells me otherwise…but I’m longing to feel.
A Cool Thing:
Last week I was with my two sons at the grocery store and something totally unexpected was said to me. An old lady came up to us in the produce section and told me that she could tell that I was doing things right, and that the boys are living in a happy home. I smiled and told her thank you, still confused on exactly what new method she was using to figure that out, and she continued to tell me that she observes so many children and that now-a-days, many kids look sad and mope around. She said that it’s so unusual to see little boys laughing and smiling in a grocery store, feeling free to be funny and goofy. She said that they act like they come from a really safe and loving environment.
The really neat thing about this is that she said this at a time that I wasn’t feeling like a failure at being a mommy, but when I was having fun with my kids. If I had been in the failure mode, I would have brushed off the compliment, probably never remembering it at all, because of my state of mind.
So, I’ll keep continuing to ask God for more patience and love, and He’ll keep asking me to love His two little boys the way He does…at which I will then fall short again, and again, and this brutal process will produce in me maturity and perseverance and greater love.
Tonight I played piano with my church’s worship team for our college and career group, and I was thinking about what I had written so far. I guess I’m just really lacking in my joy→ the kind of joy that is God given. I’m lacking in my understanding of how majestic God really is on the day-by-day basis of constantly bringing Him down to my level (how foolish!) ridding Him (in a sense in my heart) of all glory and power that I proclaim that He has. I just can’t see how big He really is…and how lowly I am.
My worship pastor used a really good analogy that reminded me that in God’s view, the earth is nothing more than a super tiny speck in the universe…and yet, He still cares about me…about my neighbor, about those in jail, about my husband’s ex-wife, about those suicide bombers….He loves us all. And yet, I bring Him down and wonder why I haven’t heard Him in so long.
I am so sorry.
I’m constantly asking God for help in this area. Talk about Patience! I used to have at least 50 units of it, but now I’ve had to break into Josh’s stock (which has the special “new and Improved” feature added to it, cuz he’s been doing this for years now) and of course, wouldn’t you know it, apparently “patience” is tailored specially for only one person (you can’t share, or borrow), so those units that I “borrowed” from Josh didn’t really work for me…Is there a store that sells it?
Unfortunately, No. There’s only one place to get it from and one would think that God must be so tired of hearing that prayer, because sometimes, that’s the only thing I can think of praying, well, that and the one that starts and ends with, HELP!
The Main Point:
So a few blogs ago, I had written about how awful of a mom I feel like I am. Yes, I am most definitely missing that “bond” with the boys, since they aren’t mine, but there are many times where I feel so horrible, because without that bond, I feel I’m without that “Love” that is between mother and child. So that’s another prayer→asking God for more love for these boys.
February 1st will mark the 4th month of my marriage and mommy hood. I know it’ll take at least another month and a half (….probably more**wink!) longer to get in the hang of things and not feel just like a babysitter. I truly want to be connected with these boys, not feel like all I do is remind them where to put their dirty clothes and to keep them from fighting—constantly watching their every move! Maybe I need to relax, but MAN, I feel like I’m so negative.
Of course I tell them that I love them, I do and so much, and I tell them how proud daddy and I are of them; that we are blessed to have them as our sons, and that that is the BEST drawing of a five armed robot that I’ve EVER SEEN! ….But I just really need those feelings of love and the joy that come with being a parent.
So, I doubt myself and my mommy abilities A LOT. I cry a LOT and feel like a failure..A LOT. Thank You God that my husband tells me otherwise…but I’m longing to feel.
A Cool Thing:
Last week I was with my two sons at the grocery store and something totally unexpected was said to me. An old lady came up to us in the produce section and told me that she could tell that I was doing things right, and that the boys are living in a happy home. I smiled and told her thank you, still confused on exactly what new method she was using to figure that out, and she continued to tell me that she observes so many children and that now-a-days, many kids look sad and mope around. She said that it’s so unusual to see little boys laughing and smiling in a grocery store, feeling free to be funny and goofy. She said that they act like they come from a really safe and loving environment.
The really neat thing about this is that she said this at a time that I wasn’t feeling like a failure at being a mommy, but when I was having fun with my kids. If I had been in the failure mode, I would have brushed off the compliment, probably never remembering it at all, because of my state of mind.
So, I’ll keep continuing to ask God for more patience and love, and He’ll keep asking me to love His two little boys the way He does…at which I will then fall short again, and again, and this brutal process will produce in me maturity and perseverance and greater love.
Tonight I played piano with my church’s worship team for our college and career group, and I was thinking about what I had written so far. I guess I’m just really lacking in my joy→ the kind of joy that is God given. I’m lacking in my understanding of how majestic God really is on the day-by-day basis of constantly bringing Him down to my level (how foolish!) ridding Him (in a sense in my heart) of all glory and power that I proclaim that He has. I just can’t see how big He really is…and how lowly I am.
My worship pastor used a really good analogy that reminded me that in God’s view, the earth is nothing more than a super tiny speck in the universe…and yet, He still cares about me…about my neighbor, about those in jail, about my husband’s ex-wife, about those suicide bombers….He loves us all. And yet, I bring Him down and wonder why I haven’t heard Him in so long.
I am so sorry.
posted by Heather | Saturday, January 28, 2006
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