A Battle of Faith and Trust

Yay!!! It's Christmas today!!...MY FIRST Christmas being a wife and mother as a matter of fact! And it's so awesome. God is so great--> I've been married for nearly 3 months, and that's the best Christmas gift ever! It's so hard to believe that I'm married, cuz a year ago, marriage wasn't anywhere close---although, I did dream a lot about being married.

Anyways...despite a really rough encounter with his ex on Christmas Eve which sent me to tears, Christmas morning was so amazing. After Josh's ex, Stacie, finally returned the kids back to us and kids were in bed, I was in our bed sobbing, angry that she got in the way of my first Christmas with Josh and the boys. She targeted me with angry threats that night, and I was so upset that she still had another chance to disturb our Christmas morning from 7am to noon. Josh came beside be on our bed, stroked my hair back, and told me that he wished that she wouldn't effect me so much and that God knew that Stacie would be like that, but that He has control of the situation as long as we give it to Him, because with the parenting plan, we are allowed only a certain amount of control to an extent that which, unfortunately grants Stacie all day Christmas Eve and from 7 to noon on Christmas, even when she typically never shows up on her weekends or is super late than the time agreed upon. It seems so unfair that she can just step into our lives on Christmas, threaten us that she "could make it hell for us," but that she wouldn't cuz she puts the kids first...whick is a lie. If she really were putting the kids first, I'm sure that she would see them more than maybe once every two months, at least calling them on their birthdays ect.

She lies right in front of the kids telling me that josh keeps her from seeing her boys and that i really don't know what kind of person he really is. She tells me that I have no right to be called mommy or mom by them and that any judge will think that's "f*** up," and that she "could" tell the boys to stop calling me mommy and make them call me Heather, but that she wouldn't. Which, is stupid that she's threatening us at all with that, because she already demanded her boys to NEVER call me mom and to only call me Heather about a month before Josh and I were married.

Anyways, whatever the heck goes on in her brain, I witnessed it first hand. From now on, as much as she demands that she "must" talk to both Josh and I, she'll just have to do with Josh. It could have done a lot of damage if the boys believed her when she said that daddy keeps them from seeing their mom. BUT...I NEED to trust God.

Josh prayed over us all while asking God to help me trust Him and not get so hurt and scared when Stacie starts threatening and telling lies to our boys. That night I realized how hopeless I really am without trusting God. I've been doing this mom thing for almost three months (well, longer, but just not as officially their mom) and I know that I often forget to ask God for direction and want to take it into my hands...but God is faithful to keep reminding me how much I do need Him and how much LESS I need to worry and get upset.

I really don't want these boys to have to go through a difficult time when they know and understand more and have to choose which parent is lieing--shoot! Why are parent's lying to their kids, especially about the other? SELFISH JERKS! Don't they see the heartache they'll put their precious children through?

I love these kids so much, more and more every day, and I know it must be hard for Stacie to have her boys calling me mom. But, she left them years ago, even while she and Josh were married. I know she's mentally ill and that it's not just the drug damage, but it really would be nice for her to have a healthy life for herself so that she will have a healthy relationship with her kids and stop trying to sabotage their lives with lies and anger.

Thanks to God, who is so awesome and full of love, He gave Josh, the boys, and I a healthy and wonderful Christmas together. Instead of following through with her plans to pick them up at 7am this morning, Stacie called josh at 6:50 asking if we could drop them by for 1/2 an hour on our way to Vancouver to his parent's house. Happily, we agreed to the 11:30 appointment!

Christmas was centered around blessing eachother with gifts, hugs, luaghter, and love (although, we should've talked about Jesus and everything behind gift giving more). This morning was all about our new family formed by God. It was truly a wonderful time, and all the crying that I did the night before had been let go.

Where is my faith? Where is my trust? Lord, I am so sorry. Help me and my faith.

what's that?

...Why, that's the sound of peace in my head!! Yay! I didn't have a headache yesterday! Praise God....and this morning, I'm off to the Doc's to get perscription headache meds, cuz I desperately need to get rid of pain.

I Can't Wait!

...AND, it's almost Christmas. Merry Christmas to all! My kids are so excited, and they have no idea that they are getting the coolest gift ever! Josh and I are very excited to be spending our first Christmas together! How romantic!

Ephesians 3:12
"In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence."

Ephesians 3:20-21
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

Whoa! I need help, STAT!! My attitude is just not that good. And I keep fighting God on it, well, more like I’m just not going to Him for help, because I see so many “impossibles” that I’m too foolish to believe that God can help me.
Diagnosis: a tired and tormented heart, fearful of not being a good mommy to my two brand new sons (official for only 2 months now), frightened that I might not be able to really LOVE them the same “Way” as most other moms do. Why? Cuz it seems that I’m missing a huge part in the understanding that most moms have.

The “WAY”(well, best described from my out-sider’s point of view): I see tons of other moms with their child(ren) every day. They have that excited look in their eyes and huge smiles on their faces when they see their offspring after the 6 hours that they have been in school. I, on the other hand feel a huge sigh, not of relief, but more like when you just work, work, work and are tired and know that there is no rest anywhere near in sight.

**IMPORTANT** I really hope you aren’t getting the VERY wrong impression that I don’t love my new children. I Totally love my boys! It just seems so different to me than the way I see other moms. Maybe it’s just satan telling me over and over how awful I am….But whether it’s a lie or the truth, it seems like something is very wrong and I feel miserable for the “way” I don’t “feel.”

What to do?
Well, I keep praying. Today, right before starting this blog entry, I thanked God that He is Creator and Healer. I thanked Him for His love and guidance. I thanked Him for my boys and then I apologized for my frustrated, unbelieving heart tormented with the fear that even God, the One who created me, couldn’t fix all the sorrow and grief that I feel in my heart. I asked for His forgiveness for my doubting heart that keeps pushing itself into believing that I am and will continue to be a horrible mommy and that I shouldn’t even think twice about having a child of my own with Josh.

I know these thoughts grieve God, especially because He was the One who designed this wonderful marriage between Josh and I, calling me to be a wife, and a MOTHER to two young boys who have been without one for so long.

Raising kids is hard, I understand. But I just really need God’s help in my heart.

That is my prayer.

A small example:

God gave me a job with great people, a great boss, with laughter and fun, and a piano, and I’m selfish and don’t want to go~even as I have nothing else in my heart that I would rather do… And that would be Satan (king of unmotivation) pulling me into unhappiness and ungratefulness, and I would imagine that is how he pulls people away from God and into despair.

It’s so obvious that God places us in people’s lives, in situations, and in specific work environments with an intended purpose. Although, maybe it isn’t that obvious (to most), and that is why we struggle. However, I believe God intended it to be obvious…but we’re missing something…

Wake Up! He (God) asks us to dream, to believe, to have more faith, and to believe more, and dream and hope for bigger things more and more…”Just come to Me.” God asks, and instead, with our heads down, we complain and fight going where He obviously called us to go, or fight doing that thing that we really dread doing, and all along we’re wondering why we aren’t happy and seem to be going nowhere, doing absolutely nothing, and then when we get the slightest of hope—a gentle curve upward in our smiles, we start to believe that there are other people who are way more qualified to go “there” or to do “that” than ourselves… and the smile fades. Who where you listening to?

How many times (if any) have you heard, “God doesn’t call the qualified, but qualifies the called”? And we still don’t believe. And I have heard that saying quite a few times, let me tell ya. I am guilty of listening to something else…

Why don’t you and I believe?
~Because we hear the doubts in our heads louder than the voice of God. Not because God is speaking quieter, but because we just can’t fathom that we could be that precious to anyone, especially to God (if there is one—many ponder), that He would actually say nice things about us and to us. When we “can’t” believe, then we hear the other things in our heads…you know, the negative things—we hear the thoughts that are literally out to steal our joys, and laughter, thoughts out to kill and destroy our lives and eternity. And we hear these thoughts louder than God’s voice, because we truly believe that we are failures instead of hearing His voice telling us that we are His beautiful creation that He, Himself gave His life for. God speaks Truth.

But, you know, we choose what we hear, and all those people who say God is silent need to look at themselves in the mirror and ask themselves what they are worth. What do they hear? Fat? Ugly? Shy? Weak?...

If you don’t hear, “Precious, lovely, wonderful, amazing…I love you,” then you need to realize that you’re tuned into the wrong voice.

You have to choose Him and believe even when it’s the hardest thing to do. Give it some time. Things will change and you will hear something different. (But don’t always rely on your own ears to hear God’s voice in the beginning. Most times God has to use other people and other sources {Bible} to tell you, cuz your own ears are prone to pick up on the negatives and sometimes need practice with hearing God’s voice opposed to hearing something that is close to His….or someone else’s voice).

So look at your life. See what you can see, but BELIEVE that there is more. Trust that there is more, because unless you do, you’ll slowly, maybe quickly, fall away into sadness.

“You can’t even imagine the plans that He has (for you), not unless you stick with Him (will you see).” ~Curt Brunk

Ezekiel 36:26-33 (The Message)
"26I'll give you a new heart, put a new spirit in you. I'll remove the stone heart from your body and replace it with a heart that's God-willed, not self-willed. 27I'll put my Spirit in you and make it possible for you to do what I tell you and live by my commands."

“God is trying to establish a relationship with you as friends. Are we coming to God as a friend? Do we treat Him like a friend? Are we so tied up in rules that we can’t see God as a friend?” ~Curt Brunk

John 15:15-18 (The Message)
"15I'm no longer calling you servants because servants don't understand what their master is thinking and planning. No, I've named you friends because I've let you in on everything I've heard from the Father.
16"You didn't choose me, remember; I chose you, and put you in the world to bear fruit, fruit that won't spoil. As fruit bearers, whatever you ask the Father in relation to me, he gives you.
17"But remember the root command: Love one another."
18"If you find the godless world is hating you, remember it got its start hating me.” ~Jesus


How can I become a friend with whom I don’t know?