Fears? Not For Long!
August 2, 2006 - Wednesday
My dear friend Mackenzie recently posted a comment addressing my lack of bloggage (hmm, or blogadge?) on my page. I will admit that Ive been a bit fearful of my writing. how come? You ask. Well, no doubt that this will come across a bit foolish to some, and the others, well, what am I talking about, there arent others beside the some that even look at my blogs. But because of my lack in writing skills, and my tendency to blend several thoughts together--because I am severely unstructured in my thought process, and I cant seem to read my stuff in the way that others will read, therefore, I am always shocked when my writing was miss-read/miss-understood. It is not at the fault of the readers, for the fault is my own and I seriously need to re-evaluate my thoughts before hitting the post blog button.
Anyways, so basically, Im embarrassed, thats all, but Ill get over it. Why cant I just write about normal FUN things that happen during the day? It is beyond me! Oh well.
Another reason for not writing, Ive been very focused writing a letter that turned out to be about 7 pages, in this indeed, I was more worried about structured writing and love to be evident in this document, more than any blog. And, also, we had a really horrible weekEND with the ex-wife, who seems more off her rocker every time we speak to her.
God convicted me about fear. I was so scared that I was literally sick to my stomach. I was reading in Romans about having faith that God is taking care of me, and I have never been able to apply it to the ex-wifethe birth mom of my two boys. She is viscious and cares nothing about her boys well-being. She only concerns herself with, more and more, about lying to the kids, saying absolutely everything and anything to make the kids hate Josh, and hates me. Josh and I only speak kindness about their motherwe refuse to play games with themfor when their hearts are confused and hurt by lies, we have to pick up the broken pieces and clean up after their mothers attacks, even after only an hour of her being with them (she cannot apparently stand to be around them for more than that).
Anyways, Ive been asking God for courage. I have been so fearful that the kids will believe their moms lies, and begin to hate me, the one who IS their mommy, taking care of them day in and day out, providing for thembasically doing all the mommy responsibilities that their birthmom said peace-out to, when Shane was only 2 yrs, Justin 5yrs old. But God showed me that I havent any need to worry, because immediately after birthmom spit out a list of lies, Justin snuck in close to daddy and told him that he didnt think that that was true and admitting to daddy that he was confused. Poor kid! He, more than likely for the first time, was paying close enough attention, and witnessed his birthmom lie to him and his brother. So now birthmom just forced her son to choose which parent to place his trust in. I know that must have hurt him tremendously to have to feel like that. Needless to say, we had a lot of things to talk about that night with the boys after their visit with their mom that included two cops to convince her that she had better bring them back in time for Shanes birthday party.
Josh and I have had to make the decision that enough is enough, and that we must be honest with the kids about whats going on, especially now that theyre paying closer attention to truth and lies (they have both just been broken out of the lying stage this year, and have learned that mommy and daddy will give them grace and mercy when they decide to tell us the truth, and the consequences will be less when they honor God, parents, and teachers and friends with their mouths). The kids are more aware of lies, therefore, they will be picking up on those that their birthmom says. Foolish herwhy cant she be more concerned about hanging out with her wonderful sons and spending time with them playing and getting to know them, than she is about trying to ruin Josh and I in their hearts, blaming Josh for her past mistakes, and blaming me that she cant come live with them again and be a happy family because I live there nowtotally avoiding responsibility on her part and how she said that she didnt want to be a mother or a wife anymore, ultimately abandoning her kids YEARS before the divorce.
Anyways, Gods giving me courage and strength. Hes given to me great kids and a great husband, and the birthmom is and never will be, a threat to meunless she actually gets crazy enough to bring a gun and shoot me, which I could actually see happening.
But, Im not gonna waste my time thinking about this.
My dear friend Mackenzie recently posted a comment addressing my lack of bloggage (hmm, or blogadge?) on my page. I will admit that Ive been a bit fearful of my writing. how come? You ask. Well, no doubt that this will come across a bit foolish to some, and the others, well, what am I talking about, there arent others beside the some that even look at my blogs. But because of my lack in writing skills, and my tendency to blend several thoughts together--because I am severely unstructured in my thought process, and I cant seem to read my stuff in the way that others will read, therefore, I am always shocked when my writing was miss-read/miss-understood. It is not at the fault of the readers, for the fault is my own and I seriously need to re-evaluate my thoughts before hitting the post blog button.
Anyways, so basically, Im embarrassed, thats all, but Ill get over it. Why cant I just write about normal FUN things that happen during the day? It is beyond me! Oh well.
Another reason for not writing, Ive been very focused writing a letter that turned out to be about 7 pages, in this indeed, I was more worried about structured writing and love to be evident in this document, more than any blog. And, also, we had a really horrible weekEND with the ex-wife, who seems more off her rocker every time we speak to her.
God convicted me about fear. I was so scared that I was literally sick to my stomach. I was reading in Romans about having faith that God is taking care of me, and I have never been able to apply it to the ex-wifethe birth mom of my two boys. She is viscious and cares nothing about her boys well-being. She only concerns herself with, more and more, about lying to the kids, saying absolutely everything and anything to make the kids hate Josh, and hates me. Josh and I only speak kindness about their motherwe refuse to play games with themfor when their hearts are confused and hurt by lies, we have to pick up the broken pieces and clean up after their mothers attacks, even after only an hour of her being with them (she cannot apparently stand to be around them for more than that).
Anyways, Ive been asking God for courage. I have been so fearful that the kids will believe their moms lies, and begin to hate me, the one who IS their mommy, taking care of them day in and day out, providing for thembasically doing all the mommy responsibilities that their birthmom said peace-out to, when Shane was only 2 yrs, Justin 5yrs old. But God showed me that I havent any need to worry, because immediately after birthmom spit out a list of lies, Justin snuck in close to daddy and told him that he didnt think that that was true and admitting to daddy that he was confused. Poor kid! He, more than likely for the first time, was paying close enough attention, and witnessed his birthmom lie to him and his brother. So now birthmom just forced her son to choose which parent to place his trust in. I know that must have hurt him tremendously to have to feel like that. Needless to say, we had a lot of things to talk about that night with the boys after their visit with their mom that included two cops to convince her that she had better bring them back in time for Shanes birthday party.
Josh and I have had to make the decision that enough is enough, and that we must be honest with the kids about whats going on, especially now that theyre paying closer attention to truth and lies (they have both just been broken out of the lying stage this year, and have learned that mommy and daddy will give them grace and mercy when they decide to tell us the truth, and the consequences will be less when they honor God, parents, and teachers and friends with their mouths). The kids are more aware of lies, therefore, they will be picking up on those that their birthmom says. Foolish herwhy cant she be more concerned about hanging out with her wonderful sons and spending time with them playing and getting to know them, than she is about trying to ruin Josh and I in their hearts, blaming Josh for her past mistakes, and blaming me that she cant come live with them again and be a happy family because I live there nowtotally avoiding responsibility on her part and how she said that she didnt want to be a mother or a wife anymore, ultimately abandoning her kids YEARS before the divorce.
Anyways, Gods giving me courage and strength. Hes given to me great kids and a great husband, and the birthmom is and never will be, a threat to meunless she actually gets crazy enough to bring a gun and shoot me, which I could actually see happening.
But, Im not gonna waste my time thinking about this.
posted by Heather | Wednesday, September 12, 2007
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