THis Nagging Fear Of Mine Needs to Be Destroyed

Current mood: anxious
Category: Life

So, I have been a mommy for eleven months now. What Im about to write are just some thoughtssome will be happy and some will be sad, but mainly what Im about to write is not to get sympathy from anyone. I just want to try and structure my thoughts and record these feelings because they will show me what growth God has done within these 11 months of marriage and motherhood, and also Ill have this to look back to see how far Ive come.

Being a mommy has been really hard. There are so many emotional barriers that the kids and I have had to break through. And I think that it might be safe to say that they have come farther than I have, or maybe its more like they dont have any fears, but I still get bombarded with them. First off, I want to say that I love them very much, and as hard as this (my struggles and fears) gets at times, I am so glad that Im their mommy. If Josh didnt have any kids, I would have most likely been REALLY bored (I seem to lack hobbies) most of the time, even more antsy than I am now with a 7 & 10yr old running around. I think it was kinda Gods sense of humor to marry me into motherhood: He knew that I would need the extra stuff to do and extra fun.

Kids Emotional Barriers: In the beginning I thought that for sure the younger one would attach to me sooner, and that it would take a lot longer for the older one to trust me and accept me as his mom because he has memories of when Stacie (birth mom) was kind of around. Just a recap: Stacie abandoned Josh and their (at the time) 2 yr old and 5 yr old sons to pursue a life of meth, crack, pot, and who knows what, stealing Joshs money ( his bonus over $5,ooo which they needed cuz she kept racking up credit card bills) and the car, leaving Josh and the boys stranded in dead cold of winter in Michigan without money for food and without the jeep. Josh would have to bundle the boys up and walk in the snow and cold to get anywhere. She would disappear for a few days at first, then a week, and then for weeks, all the while threatening him that she would leave him if he told her parents at all about her stealing money, leaving them stranded for weeks without a car. Stacie would yell, scream and hit Josh in front of the kids constantly~she would say that she had nothing to hide from the kids and that it didnt matter if they saw her screaming, hitting and throwing things at daddy. Now it wasnt that Josh even did anything to make her mad, in fact, he became very submissive and shut down, ANYTHING not to ruffle her feathers. Anyways, this goes on and on into a few weeks ago on Shanes birthday, she actually called (first time ever) and demanded that when we got home from my parents (our weekend with the kids) on Monday that she get to spend time with them. Josh said absolutely not (its a week day, not to mention she was flying to AK with them that Thursday to her parents). She got angry and said that she wanted some birthday time with him (she only gets boys on even birthdays~it was Shanes 7th). Josh told her that its every other birthday, and angrily she snapped, Well then what happened to last birthday? Josh said, you dont remember? You were in jail. So, she threatened (she always does) Josh that, Youll be lucky if I bring those kids back you F'ing Asshole! and then she hung up.

Now, Im telling you all of this because even though she did all this, sold all of the kids toys and even their beds (for drugs?) after Josh and the kids moved to Bellevue, before the furniture and toys were moved from Michigan, we dont tell the kids any of this stuff. Josh and I are careful and do not bash Stacie. Instead we protect them. She tells horrible lies all the time to the boys to make them hate Josh, but I guess she doesnt get that Josh is the one that loves them and takes care of them day after day, when for the last three years, the boys were lucky (I use that term very loosely) to receive a phone call from her up to six months at a time.

Anyways, back to what I was saying about the attachment thing: it turns out that the oldest attached to me very quickly. (Im so glad). He tells me many times, mommy, I love you. But the youngest has held onto some fantasy memory of Stacie. Remember, she left him when he was two yrs. old. And besides that, Josh took care of the babies before and after work, did all of the cooking and cleaning (despite all the lies she told her parents that Josh was/still is the problem). She would call Josh at work and beg him to come home and take care of the kids cuz she didnt want to and couldnt handle them anymore. And yet the youngest still thinks the world of his mom and that hurts me so much, because thats such a lie. She was never around for him emotionally, verbally, and physically.

Not to mention the youngest (Shane) started this horrible attitude with me around the last few days of school. He had a really bratty attitude. There were so many times that I felt like he should just tell me that he hates me and get it out of his system. There was one night that I totally broke down and was crying to Josh how I felt (abused actually) utterly disrespected (but really unloved by him) and Josh was so mad that his son had been treating me like that, that he had a VERY long talk with him. Now, I took it very personally, and of course Shane had good moments. I think he just picked up on some horrible attitude from schooland probably was imitating what he saw from Stacie all the time when he was young and from what secrets she tells him and her attitude of hatred towards Josh and me.

So three months later, Shane is remorseful for how he was treating me, the one who does EVERYTHING for him, and also had to apologize to his summer school teacher (he was being bad to her too). So at some point, Shane turned 180 degrees from the cute, loving, kind, and compassionate kindergartner that he was all this year, to someone mean, disrespectful, lying, and grumpy little boy within the last few weeks of school. I know it was more of an attitude, but it really scared me. I always feel like a horrible mom anyways, but that broke me and unfortunately, Im still recovering.

Im so scared that theyre not going to love methat theyll love Stacie instead, projecting all the love and time that I have spent for them onto her! The one who didnt want to be a mommy or a wife any longer, abandoning them for the life of drugs.

I watched the ending of Stepmom on t.v. yesterday. Birth mom (who was dying of cancer) and stepmom were having an honest convo. Stepmom was saying how scared she was that on her step daughters wedding, while she was fluffing her gown and fixing her veil, that the daughter would be wishing that birth mom was there, not her (step mom). Birth mom was scared that on that same day that her daughter will have completely forgotten about her, thinking of only step mom who got to be there for that day. So one was scared that daughter would remember and long for the past (not her), while the other was scared that daughter will have forgotten the past (her). And then Birth mom said that it didnt have to be like what they were both fearing, that in truth, daughter would share her love and that moment with both step mom and birth mom in her heart.

So this shall pass, hopefully. Im tired of feeling like a horrible mommy, tired of being scared that Stacie is going to ruin their (the boys) love for me. Im scared that shell win and Ill be left alone in the dust. That her lies will destroy the knowledge that I truly love them in their hearts, and that they wont remember me, that Stacie might persuade them to hate me, cuz shes just that evil. I wish she would just disappear and leave our family alone. She isnt concerned about actually spending time with the boys, but concerned about feeding them with lies and destroying their love for Josh and I. **Just for the record, these are my fears, not Joshs. Hes not worried at all and is instead always telling me daily that I am the perfect mother for his children and that God obviously designed me and prepared me to be their mom, not Stacie. So I need to get rid of these fears, and I have no doubt that theyll go away someday.

WHOA!! LONG!!!! Holy COW!!
(I'll edit later. Time for a shower.)