I Wish It Would Stop Hurting: No More Tears, Please.

September 13, 2006 - Wednesday



Current mood: hopeful
Category: Life

Hebrews 11:6.

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.



I cried last night for a half hour because I keep getting caught in a particular trap of my own. And really, while my physical symptoms include pain, feelings of frustration, feelings of being lost and alone, feelings that I'm too far away from God,, feelings that I'm failing miserably at being a mommy, feelings that I'm ugly, without purpose, and feelings of insecurities...the REAL issue is that of my heart. I have been disobedient in a number of ways--some including not believing good things for myself, as in that I'm not worth God loving or healing me. I have also stopped speaking in tongues (I know, could be weird for some of you), and some immediate results were that I stopped writing poetry inspired by God, I stopped receiving revelations in my life, and then I lost passion for the Bible. Now this is my specific issue, although those were obvious sins...this is perhaps even the worst thing that I've been doing. It is that I haven't been doing all things for Christ. I was trying to be a good mommy so that the kids would favor me over their birth mom, I've been trying to look good by putting on a happy face, I've been working hard at work to please my boss and to gain her favor--not God's....

So Josh brought up a good point. I am a mommy because this is where God led me. So everything that I do can't be for the boys--for I will only keep on feeling like I'm trapped--it MUST be for Christ, to please God. So every time I remind Shane to wash his hands, I need to say it and do it as if I am talking to Christ, every time I have to tell Shane that his shoes are on backwards again (for the millionth time), I must keep calm and say it as if I was telling Christ.

The clincher is (for my feelings are currently revolving around the kids) it doesn't matter how great or even how much better at being a mom I am than Stacie has, is and ever will be, the thing that hurts the most, the thing that brings me to tears even now as I write this--the kids will always wish for Stacie--they will always long for her, even if or when they find out about all the horrible things she did and still does, they will probably never love me anywhere near as how much they love her--who is completely undeserving. It's a heart thing, not a head thing (Josh said). I dont understand it--it's not fair, and yet I keep asking God, "why is this so hard? Why did He do this to me? Why do I love the boys, and yet they will never choose me? Every day they will always wish for her, and if ever given the choice, they would want me to leave and have Stacie come back--I am always replaceable...Why God can't You change them to pick me?"...I feel that I am replaceable...this sucks and hurts the worst.

So, now my (heart) situation is still not different--my environment has changed completely over this last year, and yet because I couldn't and wouldn't let God tell me in all the other environments (in the past such as pre-college, during college, during terrible experiences at summer camps ect.) who I am, my purpose and my meaning, not letting His word and truth be enough, (not that anyone could master this, for it seems that most if not all struggle with this) I had not yet understood that it's not about me, or where I am, who I am, or about my failures, but it's about God, always about God, who He is, Who He made me to be, and that He loves me no matter how much I fail. And so I went into motherhood extremely weak and extremely vulnerable.

And as I lay there in bed crying with Josh by my side, my husband kindly and gently reminded me that I am perfect. That I am not failing....That I am learning and am doing the hardest job that there is--motherhood. And that as much as he wishes that the kids could change their hearts and replace Stacie with me, that he knows that ultimately, that will never happen--we all long for our birth parents..and that is how God designed us--He made us to be like that and that is probably one reason why He hates divorce. Think how adopted kids long to find their birth parents-not all but most do, even while they love their adopted parents so much.

So let us not place favor on compliments and pats on the backs from this world (or from our kids), but let us favor God's love, compliments, glory, mercy, and truth. Let us favor the Lord's choice on how He designed us and place all our value on what He says about us, because His word is everlasting. Your design was in His heart and was perfect long before you were born into this world.

No more second thoughts about where you are, what you are doing, and don't let satan distract you with lies and with your environment or with seemingly bad 'choices' that you have made, because ultimately, it was God's choice. He set your life into motion and knew then and knows everything that you will do and say, for He made you to say those things and to do those things--you will never catch Him by surprise. So rest calmly in your environment, and God will be in your heart and will be guiding you. So now, let there be no more doubts and mature yourself with God's knowledge and with obedience. If you want to know more truth, make sure all that you speak currently is truth. Hold your tongue, heart, and mind captive and in alignment with God's Truth and God's heart.

So precious sons and daughters of the Lord God Almighty--who is the same yesterday, today, and for all of the tomorrows ahead-- rest in peace and Be Confident in Christ and do all things for Christ, and no longer wrestle with unbelief and step forward in faith--do not linger in things that do not resonate with God's heart, but be bold and speak truth.

"8Finally, all of you should be of one mind, full of sympathy toward each other, loving one another with tender hearts and humble minds. 9Don't repay evil for evil. Don't retaliate when people say unkind things about you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God wants you to do, and he will bless you for it. 10For the Scriptures say,

"If you want a happy life and good days,
keep your tongue from speaking evil,
and keep your lips from telling lies.

11
Turn away from evil and do good.
Work hard at living in peace with others.

12
The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right,
and his ears are open to their prayers.
But the Lord turns his face
against those who do evil."

and

"
13Now, who will want to harm you if you are eager to do good? 14But even if you suffer for doing what is right, God will reward you for it. So don't be afraid and don't worry. 15Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if you are asked about your Christian hope, always be ready to explain it. 16But you must do this in a gentle and respectful way. Keep your conscience clear. Then if people speak evil against you, they will be ashamed when they see what a good life you live because you belong to Christ. 17Remember, it is better to suffer for doing good, if that is what God wants, than to suffer for doing wrong!"

1 Peter 3