A Battle of Faith and Trust
Yay!!! It's Christmas today!!...MY FIRST Christmas being a wife and mother as a matter of fact! And it's so awesome. God is so great--> I've been married for nearly 3 months, and that's the best Christmas gift ever! It's so hard to believe that I'm married, cuz a year ago, marriage wasn't anywhere close---although, I did dream a lot about being married.
Anyways...despite a really rough encounter with his ex on Christmas Eve which sent me to tears, Christmas morning was so amazing. After Josh's ex, Stacie, finally returned the kids back to us and kids were in bed, I was in our bed sobbing, angry that she got in the way of my first Christmas with Josh and the boys. She targeted me with angry threats that night, and I was so upset that she still had another chance to disturb our Christmas morning from 7am to noon. Josh came beside be on our bed, stroked my hair back, and told me that he wished that she wouldn't effect me so much and that God knew that Stacie would be like that, but that He has control of the situation as long as we give it to Him, because with the parenting plan, we are allowed only a certain amount of control to an extent that which, unfortunately grants Stacie all day Christmas Eve and from 7 to noon on Christmas, even when she typically never shows up on her weekends or is super late than the time agreed upon. It seems so unfair that she can just step into our lives on Christmas, threaten us that she "could make it hell for us," but that she wouldn't cuz she puts the kids first...whick is a lie. If she really were putting the kids first, I'm sure that she would see them more than maybe once every two months, at least calling them on their birthdays ect.
She lies right in front of the kids telling me that josh keeps her from seeing her boys and that i really don't know what kind of person he really is. She tells me that I have no right to be called mommy or mom by them and that any judge will think that's "f*** up," and that she "could" tell the boys to stop calling me mommy and make them call me Heather, but that she wouldn't. Which, is stupid that she's threatening us at all with that, because she already demanded her boys to NEVER call me mom and to only call me Heather about a month before Josh and I were married.
Anyways, whatever the heck goes on in her brain, I witnessed it first hand. From now on, as much as she demands that she "must" talk to both Josh and I, she'll just have to do with Josh. It could have done a lot of damage if the boys believed her when she said that daddy keeps them from seeing their mom. BUT...I NEED to trust God.
Josh prayed over us all while asking God to help me trust Him and not get so hurt and scared when Stacie starts threatening and telling lies to our boys. That night I realized how hopeless I really am without trusting God. I've been doing this mom thing for almost three months (well, longer, but just not as officially their mom) and I know that I often forget to ask God for direction and want to take it into my hands...but God is faithful to keep reminding me how much I do need Him and how much LESS I need to worry and get upset.
I really don't want these boys to have to go through a difficult time when they know and understand more and have to choose which parent is lieing--shoot! Why are parent's lying to their kids, especially about the other? SELFISH JERKS! Don't they see the heartache they'll put their precious children through?
I love these kids so much, more and more every day, and I know it must be hard for Stacie to have her boys calling me mom. But, she left them years ago, even while she and Josh were married. I know she's mentally ill and that it's not just the drug damage, but it really would be nice for her to have a healthy life for herself so that she will have a healthy relationship with her kids and stop trying to sabotage their lives with lies and anger.
Thanks to God, who is so awesome and full of love, He gave Josh, the boys, and I a healthy and wonderful Christmas together. Instead of following through with her plans to pick them up at 7am this morning, Stacie called josh at 6:50 asking if we could drop them by for 1/2 an hour on our way to Vancouver to his parent's house. Happily, we agreed to the 11:30 appointment!
Christmas was centered around blessing eachother with gifts, hugs, luaghter, and love (although, we should've talked about Jesus and everything behind gift giving more). This morning was all about our new family formed by God. It was truly a wonderful time, and all the crying that I did the night before had been let go.
Where is my faith? Where is my trust? Lord, I am so sorry. Help me and my faith.
Anyways...despite a really rough encounter with his ex on Christmas Eve which sent me to tears, Christmas morning was so amazing. After Josh's ex, Stacie, finally returned the kids back to us and kids were in bed, I was in our bed sobbing, angry that she got in the way of my first Christmas with Josh and the boys. She targeted me with angry threats that night, and I was so upset that she still had another chance to disturb our Christmas morning from 7am to noon. Josh came beside be on our bed, stroked my hair back, and told me that he wished that she wouldn't effect me so much and that God knew that Stacie would be like that, but that He has control of the situation as long as we give it to Him, because with the parenting plan, we are allowed only a certain amount of control to an extent that which, unfortunately grants Stacie all day Christmas Eve and from 7 to noon on Christmas, even when she typically never shows up on her weekends or is super late than the time agreed upon. It seems so unfair that she can just step into our lives on Christmas, threaten us that she "could make it hell for us," but that she wouldn't cuz she puts the kids first...whick is a lie. If she really were putting the kids first, I'm sure that she would see them more than maybe once every two months, at least calling them on their birthdays ect.
She lies right in front of the kids telling me that josh keeps her from seeing her boys and that i really don't know what kind of person he really is. She tells me that I have no right to be called mommy or mom by them and that any judge will think that's "f*** up," and that she "could" tell the boys to stop calling me mommy and make them call me Heather, but that she wouldn't. Which, is stupid that she's threatening us at all with that, because she already demanded her boys to NEVER call me mom and to only call me Heather about a month before Josh and I were married.
Anyways, whatever the heck goes on in her brain, I witnessed it first hand. From now on, as much as she demands that she "must" talk to both Josh and I, she'll just have to do with Josh. It could have done a lot of damage if the boys believed her when she said that daddy keeps them from seeing their mom. BUT...I NEED to trust God.
Josh prayed over us all while asking God to help me trust Him and not get so hurt and scared when Stacie starts threatening and telling lies to our boys. That night I realized how hopeless I really am without trusting God. I've been doing this mom thing for almost three months (well, longer, but just not as officially their mom) and I know that I often forget to ask God for direction and want to take it into my hands...but God is faithful to keep reminding me how much I do need Him and how much LESS I need to worry and get upset.
I really don't want these boys to have to go through a difficult time when they know and understand more and have to choose which parent is lieing--shoot! Why are parent's lying to their kids, especially about the other? SELFISH JERKS! Don't they see the heartache they'll put their precious children through?
I love these kids so much, more and more every day, and I know it must be hard for Stacie to have her boys calling me mom. But, she left them years ago, even while she and Josh were married. I know she's mentally ill and that it's not just the drug damage, but it really would be nice for her to have a healthy life for herself so that she will have a healthy relationship with her kids and stop trying to sabotage their lives with lies and anger.
Thanks to God, who is so awesome and full of love, He gave Josh, the boys, and I a healthy and wonderful Christmas together. Instead of following through with her plans to pick them up at 7am this morning, Stacie called josh at 6:50 asking if we could drop them by for 1/2 an hour on our way to Vancouver to his parent's house. Happily, we agreed to the 11:30 appointment!
Christmas was centered around blessing eachother with gifts, hugs, luaghter, and love (although, we should've talked about Jesus and everything behind gift giving more). This morning was all about our new family formed by God. It was truly a wonderful time, and all the crying that I did the night before had been let go.
Where is my faith? Where is my trust? Lord, I am so sorry. Help me and my faith.
posted by Heather | Sunday, December 25, 2005
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home