Happier Thoughts

September 24, 2006 - Sunday



Current mood: cheerful
Category: Life

Okay, I know that I have caused some of you to worry with the previous blog: I Wish It Would Stop Hurting and I am so grateful that you all showed so much love and concern.

I am a lot better now. Im sorry that many of my blogs are about complaints and fears, but my blogs are for the purpose of keeping record of my thoughts, growth, and challenges during my life. I find it much easier to type it all then to write by hand into a journal.

I had been having (Im embarrassed to admit) many feelings of resentment and anger towards the kids. I know this sounds really bad, so please do not think that I was acting these feelings out onto the kids like physically or anything, but this is the dirty, horrible garbage that filled parts of my heart. These thoughts were pure evil, for they were not belonging to God, and I was feeling so much shame and guilt for dealing with that grossness.

I was in fact experiencing many ugly symptoms that I tried over and over again to cover up (out of shame and embarrassment) and to tell myself to knock it off~as if it were as easy as wiping those thoughts away with a handkerchief, but every time I did that, I couldnt get down to the true problem that was manifesting these horrible attitudes and frustration. And so once a week I would have a break down, convinced of being a horrible person, tired and terrified of hearing once again how great of a mother I am to those boys from people that I used to live with, or those who I see maybe once a week at church, that dont even talk to me hardly at all. I was getting so irritated because I kept thinking that if only they really could see me with the kids, they would know, EVERYONE would know what kind of horrible person I was. So basically, I kept trying to address all the symptoms I was having, covering them up with Spiderman bandages and Neosporin, but the culprit behind these thoughts was simply this: I felt that I would always be replaceable, and that the boys (as I previous explained in that other blog) would choose, if given the choice, for me to go away if it meant that their birth mom (Stacie) would promise to come back to live with them. I felt like their love for me would be taken away and given to Stacie whenever she would actually call or finally show up to see them after months of her avoiding them.

I think that it was especially getting worse within me because she was actually starting to call a few times a week and actually looked like she was going to keep her every-other weekend appointment as scheduled by the Parenting Plan, and so I was feeling very threatened and wished with all my heart that she would just disappear. I know, totally the heart of Christ, right? (sarcasm) I never knew the depth of how evil I could be until I met Stacie and found out about all of the horrible things that shes done and have witnessed all the recent horrible things. I became a Pharisee when it came to her, completely judging her while collecting my stones and putting them in the pile in preparation for the next time she came around, utterly defensive and hateful towards her. Absolutely nothing like how Jesus told me to be. He told me to love her, to forgive her, to give to her what she needed. But I couldnt. She is my enemy and I chose to cast stones. Im a jerk.


But after I wrote that blog and discovered what was really going on and driving all those other symptoms, I was finally able to address it in front of God, to my husband and to think about how it was affecting me. (And then I repented.) And I feel so much better. I feel like just maybe, God is putting a little compassion in my heart for her. God has first given me security in that, He has assured me that I am not replaceable in the kids hearts and that the love that they have for me cannot and will not be effected by Stacies choices. The kids love is separate for both mommies because we are separate. I know that most of you, if not all of you, could have told me those things yourselves, and that in essence, that is what all of you have been trying to tell me all along when you encouraged me on the good job that you saw me doing with the boys, including those of you who, sadly, we dont get to spend much time with each other anymore, but my little heart was in a huge mess and was so hung up on symptoms that I failed to appreciate all of the times that all of you precious souls have tried to lift up my weary soul. Thank you to all of you. You bless me so much and I am sorry for acting so ungrateful and pitiful.

Sincerely yours,

Lucky Gal.

"
35Do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord, no matter what happens. Remember the great reward it brings you! 36Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised."

Hebrews 10:35-36